i found grace

This morning when I woke up the first thing I thought was "I have to go and check my email". This is sad. I do the same thing everyday when I hear the mail truck, or jeep, or whatever it is driving away from my house. I run outside- somedays with a towel on my head, or even in a bathrobe, to see if I got anything. I never do. Not anything good anyways. I get bills, and junk mail. So I turn to my email for affirmation. Somedays I get nothing. Days like today- I wake up to find I have 8 new emails. I see that, and feel like I am important. It is stupid really.

I look for my self esteem in all the wrong places. I look to people. I look to this world. I don't really understand why I do this. I should look to my heavenly father. Which is a whole other story in of itself. I have no father. Well, everyone has a father, but mine is gone. Not by his own doing, not by mine, but by God. See, when I was 13, my father died of a heart attack. It was sudden, and he took his last breath in my arms. I don't wish that single most terrified moment of my life on my worst enemy. No one should have to endure that. But I did. And now I have spent the last 7 years trying to adjust. Trying to learn that God is my father. It is a difficult concept, that I struggle with everyday. Daughters often look to thier fathers for affirmation. We long for them to tell us we are beautiful, we are wonderful, we make them proud. Unfortunately, I miss that. But I have this awesome book, called the Holy Bible. It is filled with words from my father. Words of grace, mercy, faith, hope and most important, love. It is filled with promises, and advise. I should read it more often.

So, since I have this wonderful father in heaven, who loves me enough to send his one and only son to die on the cross, so that I may have eternal life, shouldn't I love myself? Shouldn't I take my identity in the sufficiency of Christ's love. Shouldn't I toss aside the ways of the world, and never care what it thinks of me? Well , I don't. I place far too much value on what people think of me. I don't want to be this way. I need help.

Lord, I believe, help me with my unbelief....

posted by Elizabeth @ 3:15:00 PM