I wish...
That I could let you go.
That I could move on.
That you would stop haunting my dreams while I sleep.
That you would disappear from my mind.
That I might find a peace.
That I might stop missing you.
That our experience would fall from my memory.
That our friendship could be restored.
Sometimes I wish you would call.
Sometimes I want to hurt you.
I want you to miss me.
I want you to cry.
I want you.
In a mass of confusion I wish I could be you. That I could pretend you never existed.
I honestly don't understand how you do it.
I hate you.
You hurt me.
I trusted you.
You left me.
I loved you.
You broke me.
Never in my life has my heart been more torn.
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LET YOU GO.
Meet Lola Jayne
Other girls get boyfriends. I got a dog.
I adore her, and she makes my heart smile.
You.
Keep me right here waiting.
Sometimes I wonder why. And for what. There is a stillness that seems to surround me. I used to get dizzy as I watched the world spin around me. Now I just stand here. Waiting.
Every time I prepare to move, you send me a word, a touch, a dream, and my desire to move is yielded by your presence.
I stand, basking in your eternal patience. And I am SO thankful that you love me.
Exactly where I am.
No way to describe it...
Seems others can say it better. (Note the previous posts)
In the midst of laughter, peace, comfort and even chaos- I find myself longing to be held. I desire to have His strong arms surround me, as I surrender to the brokeness that is slowly becoming my wholeness.
I don't understand it. I don't get what is happening. I don't see what is on the other side. I'm not in control.
And, to my own dismay, I don't want to fight it.
When everything falls, I am held.
Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.
Who told us we’d be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We’re asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It’s unfair.
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.
This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred NUMB our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.
Natalie Grant
Brilliant, I say!
"But the trouble with deep belief is that it costs something. And there
is something inside me, some selfish beast of a subtle thing that doesn't like
the truth at all because it carries responsibility, and if I actually beleive
these things I have to do something about them. It is so, so cumbersome to
believe anything. And it isn't cool.
...The problem with Christian belief- I mean the real Christian belief,
the belief that there is a God and a devil and a heaven and a hell- is that it
is not a fashionable thing to believe."
I am learning to believe better things. I am learning to believe that
other people exist, that fashion is not truth; rather, Jesus is the most
important figure in history, and the gospel is the most powerful force in the
universe. I am learning not to be passionate about empty things, but to cultivate
passion for justice, grace, truth, and communicate the idea that Jesus likes
people, and even loves them."
Donald Miller (Blue like Jazz)
Family, per se...
fam·i·ly
( P )
n. pl. fam·i·lies
1)A fundamental social group in society typically consisting of one or two parents and their children.
2)Two or more people who share goals and values, have long-term commitments to one another, and reside usually in the same dwelling place.
3)All the members of a household under one roof.
4)A group of persons sharing common ancestry.
5)Lineage, especially distinguished lineage.
6)A locally independent organized crime unit, as of the Cosa Nostra.
Personally, I like #6.
Websters has several available definitions for 'family'. And, they each enbody a small part of what I have always known family to be. Or, used to know family to be.
I would like to add a #7 to the list, because I have seen in my life that family is so much more simple. I've seen that it's not about being parents and children, sharing common values, where you reside, your blood line (cursed as it may be), or, even your organized crime unit.
FAMILY= People who love eachother. Unconditionally.And, I love mine.
What Happened?
Time goes by, and things
always change. I'm not sure what encourages us to fight the inevitable, or why we seem to cling to a glimmer of hope that nobody but ourselves can actually see. I can recall moments that I could have sworn I'd seen that glimmer before- but looking back I bet it was only a mirage. It is widely known that heat and thirst often produce hallucinations. People traveling through the desert often find themselves seeing large bodies of water in the distance. The problem with seeing these bodies of water or "mirages" is that they continually lead to nothing of the sort. Mirages are a glimmer of hope that we see to make ourselves keep going. I mean honestly, if you didn't have hope that something wonderful was ahead of you in your life, why would you continue. Without substantial cause to endure, I would collapse on the ground and breathe my last.
I've come to the conclusion that our heart can also produce mirages. And I believe that they look different to each person. I know that I have, for so much of my life seen the same sparkle ahead of me. It has given me the strength to keep moving, keep striving, keep pursuing.... I have held on to my hope so tightly, and for SO long that I sometimes I forget it is there. Today I can look at myself, and realize that what I thought I wanted, this driving force behind my life, isn't present anymore. It became a part of me while I wasn't looking and it disappeared in the same fashion. Something in me has shifted, and I didn't even notice.
In a life that is defined by the balance of what we hold on to, and what we let go of, I more often than not find my self dwelling in the holding on. In other words, there is not a balance. I desperately fear becoming content in the momentum of mediocrity, but I play it safe, and hold onto what I know. I have created a world for myself where everything I want is within my reach. Because I have held on to my friends, my family, and my ideals- regardless of the cost, I have managed to keep myself surrounded. Comfortable.
I have no thirst. There is no heat. No mirage of vision or heart. No dreams, but, no disappointments.
I want things to stay the same. But, I know that the one thing that is inevitable is change. It always comes. I've tried so hard to resist, to pretend that it's not impending. It's really the paradox of my life- Fear of loss of control through change, yet desperation for a hope and a thirst. The problem with that is hope prompts the response of change. Growth. Letting go.
Truth be told: I am afraid of what I crave the most.
Father, make me desperate. Give me thirst, passion, adoration, kindness, struggle, blessing, dreams, courage, your will. Regardless...
May your fire burn me to the core, the heat of your holiness penetrate my soul and bubble up my impurities. Give me the spark to ignite a nation, but more importantly the spark ignite my own spirit. And my I rejoice in you. For in my weakness, you are strong.
