i found grace

I had lunch yesterday with some childhood friends. I have pictures of us in Kindergarten. I have pictures of us before that. It is wierd to see two people that for so long meant the world to you, who knew all of your secrets- and now you no longer know them at all. It was, for me, 2 hours of feeling alone. I am SO different than both of them. My goals, my dreams, my passions- I was afraid to share. When I got home, I sat alone in my room for about an hour, just re-thinking all of the conversation- reminicsing on past converstions, from say, jr. high, or even high school. For the most part I no longer have anything in common with either of them. But we do share this age old friendship, and have so many memories. As I say far too often- I have no idea where to go from here....

posted by Elizabeth @ 6:31:00 PM 0 comments

Thank you. For taking me to the movies. For buying me lunch. For teaching me how to dance. For making me laugh. For blessing my life. You know who you are. And I love you.

posted by Elizabeth @ 9:08:00 PM 0 comments

I remember.
A shattered heart.
Sobbing as you try to pick up the pieces. Overwhelming feelings- it’s all your fault. Lying still on the floor.
Staring absent-mindedly at the ceiling.
Trying desperately to catch a breath.
The lump in your stomach.
People all around.
Feeling all alone.
Wanting nothing more than sleep.
Wanting nothing more than to never wake.
But this time it’s different.
Yet it is totally the same.
I’m more on the outside.
I’m still on the inside.
Questions flood the mind.
Sorrow.
Regret.
Pain.
Guilt.
Anger.
A new journey.
An un-chartered road.
It was years ago- but I’ve been here before.
The utter shock of the news.
The devastation.
The throbbing of the soul.
The never ending flow of tears.
You miss him.
I need time to process my thoughts.
My feelings.
I need to forget the visions.
I need to wash the stench of the hospital off my body.
Now all I can see is the pain of others.
Their new reality.
The impact on their lives.
I mourn with them.
I mourn for them.
Tomorrow I will wake up.
I will go about my day as usual.
People I love will not.
And my prayers will be with them.
Because I remember.

posted by Elizabeth @ 6:42:00 PM 0 comments

"Peace is always beautiful." - Walt Whitman

posted by Elizabeth @ 2:33:00 PM 0 comments

I am a truly blessed individual. I have awesome friends. I have a roof over my head. I own a car that runs.I have a steady job, two of them actually. I am loved. I have eternal life through Christ, who strengthens me. Regardless of the crap that happens, or how my feeling fluctuate, I am a child of God. I need to get over myself... I need to look up...

posted by Elizabeth @ 4:50:00 PM 0 comments

What do you say on a day like today. Every channel on the television is showing the images from last year. It is devistating. I see children holding pictures of thier parents, who have perished. These kids are heartbroken, you see the pain in their tears. They try to be strong, wearing fire helmets and police badges. They are forced to come to grips with the loss in their lives. There are reminders all around them. Nobody has forgotten the images of the falling towers. Everyday we see a memo at work, or an email asking us to remember, and to pray. Yes, I am sad. Yes, I feel for the victims. But today, all I can think about is those kids. Having to grow up all too soon. Living daily with a void in their hearts. My heart goes out to them. I understand.

posted by Elizabeth @ 7:32:00 PM 0 comments

My reply for the day… “I don’t know”. Sometimes I get all wrapped up in the stupidest of things. There are moments when I wish someone would slap me across my face and tell me to ‘snap out of it’. There are days when all I can do is wait until the moment I sit in my car after work- and cry like a baby. I have surrendered to the fact that I am a strange creature, and I may never figure myself out. It is kind of scary to be here- just lingering in existence. Sometimes I can feel my body sway to the beat of the earth, completely relaxed and content. Peaceful even. Then I have a day like today. It begins like any other- I wake up to the sound of three different alarm clocks- bright and early- 4:30 am. I spend a few moments looking over the day’s passage in ‘My Utmost for His Highest’. Then at 4:45 my cell phone rings. A dear friend of mine is on the other end. We pray together in the mornings. When we are finished I go lay down in my bed for 5 minutes, to gather my thoughts- usually somewhat scattered and quite perplexing. Then I go to the gym. Now- here is an interesting topic of my life. I have come to the conclusion that I have a severe problem with obsession. I obsess over many things. One of which is my body. Completely unhealthy, I know. I’ve taken the classes; I have been witness to the lectures. But I still do it. I make my self go to the gym. Sometimes I even lie to myself to get there- ‘People won’t like to unless you are thin’ or ‘Don’t you EVER want to be married? Well, then you have got to change’. For the past 6 years of my life I have struggled with eating disorders. I have been obsessive about food. Now I am obsessive about exercise. Maybe I need help, I don’t know. Anyways, back to my day…. I get to work at 7:50, just like I am supposed to. I meet the kids at the bus, make sure they get some breakfast, and wheel them to class. I spend the next six hours of my day teaching children how to read, how to spell, and for some, how to go to the bathroom in the toilet. Sometimes it doesn’t seem real. Like today. I feel like I am in the middle of a low budget movie. I am standing in the hallway waiting for one of the children to come in from the playground. I watch, in slow motion mind you, as he falls face first on the pavement. He is bleeding. And I almost faint. I barely get him to the office when another teacher yells for my help. I run back towards the playground only to find my sweet darling from last year throwing an all out tantrum, hitting everyone who enters within 5 feet of her. And, although it should make me feel great, I feel horrible as she sees me, wipes off her face, and runs to give me a hug. (Thus forgetting the reason for the outburst) See- the other women at my school have not been very friendly. The first day I was there I was asked 4 times if I was one of the community service kids from the neighboring high school. No. I am no longer in high school! I do get the occasional parent volunteer who stands proudly on the playground, points to her perfect angel, and then ask which one is mine…. I suppose it is possible, had I started having children at the age of ten. My word. I am frustrated because everyone who meets me in the school, and has seen me work with the kids, treats me with respect. But all the others look at me like I have no clue what I am doing. I hear a lot of ‘that was before your time’ or ‘ you’re too young to understand heartache’. Bull. These people have no clue what my life has been like. But, like the pleasant flower that I try to be, I nod, and smile in agreement… Wow. I’m seriously all over the page with this one…
So fast foreword to 2:15. Time to go home. I hit the leather seats in my car, sink down, and begin to cry. I almost cause an accident on my way home, because I am having trouble seeing though the tears. I’m stressed at work, my back is killing me, and for the first time in a while, I miss my dad. I remember that I am supposed to work tonight- 9 pm until 5:30 am. Then turn around and do it all over again tomorrow. Yeah right. That had to change. So here I am, it is like 10:15 and I am at the computer venting. I have no idea what I have even written about, and right now I don’t care. I long to feel the Lord’s peace, His presence, His power. I desire to crawl up in to his arms like a child to her father, just needing some comfort. Yet tonight, I am deeply disturbed by this image, and all I can do is fall to my knees and cry. So yeah, today, I just don’t know.

posted by Elizabeth @ 10:11:00 PM 0 comments

"Uncertainty in the face of powerful, uncontrollable forces is frightening
under the best of circumstances. At that moment we are faced with a
momentous choice: we can descend into anxiety-ridden confusion, or we can
reach out for our faith to sustain us and give us strength to continue.

Faith is beyond reason; it fills the gap when you don't know what to do
or what's going to happen. It's the choice to go on living, even in the
face of death. It's the willingness to take a risk, even when the odds
are against you. It's a gift you receive and a choice you make. It's the
belief that in the most uncertain and difficult circumstances, whether
you can see it or not, there is purpose.

Fear and worry are needless and unproductive. Living in fear will
accomplish nothing and keep us from achieving our potential. Success is
empty and unsatisfying without faith. Without faith, life has no purpose
or direction, and the good life is impossible."

Rich DeVos

posted by Elizabeth @ 10:45:00 PM 0 comments