i found grace

I just found out that I lost my job... Not in a sense that I was fired or laid off... It's just gone... And despite all the days I'd 'had enough' or 'was done', I am sad. Really truly sad. See, I work at an elementary school with a little girl with down syndrome. She is angry, and frusterated, because she can't do what the other kindergarteners can. I can't even count how many times she had kicked me, screamed at me, thrown books at me, man you name it- she has tried it. She even gave me a black eye with her fist once. Pretty impressive for a 6 year old... But, I can also recall many times she would run to greet me in the morning, times she fell asleep in my arms, and times she just smiled. Her parents are sending her to a different school this year. She will have an aide who is well trained to work with special needs children. She will be in a special class. She will have what she needs, something I can't give her. I swore all last year, this is what she needed, and I was going to make sure it happened, even if it meant me loosing my job... Well, it has. There is a huge part of me that feels as if my mission with this child is complete. I loved her. I sacrificed my self for her, as if she were my own child. In this sense, I am happy. Content. Then there is the rest of me that aches deeply for my own loss. My friend, my challenge, my daily reminder of God's grace in my own life. I won't see her anymore. I won't be able to hold her on my lap durring story time. I can't sing to her as we walk through the halls. I can't whisper 'Jesus loves you, precious child' in her ear as we read a book. I am confident that I made an impact on her life. I was the only person able to work with her. The only one she ever bonded with. For once, my life mattered- because I was loving someone else unconditionally. Although I know my life will continue on, and it will be okay, I also know that I hurt. It's almost funny, I sat around my house for 2 hours waiting for everyone to leave so I could sit alone and cry. And I did. I still am....

posted by Elizabeth @ 7:54:00 PM 0 comments

Luke 12:34 "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." The currency of Heaven is faith- make a bank deposit...

posted by Elizabeth @ 11:27:00 AM 0 comments

How can there not be a God? I just don't understand how people can even wonder. Every time you see a sunset, or sunrise for that matter- the brilliant colors bleeding into each other, just dwelling on the horizon. Every time you meet a fellow believer, and dispite the fact that you have nothing in common, can converse for hours about the work He has done in your life. Each time you are in a car accident, and come out alive... The hope we have, the joy, the knowledge that we are each loved enough for someone else to die for our salvation... What happens when we die? What is the point of this life? The answer is out there. The answer is Christ. I just don't get how people can bypass THAT.

posted by Elizabeth @ 3:00:00 PM 0 comments

"Misfortune, no less than happiness, inspires us to dream."
- Honore De Balzac

posted by Elizabeth @ 8:31:00 PM 0 comments

A very dear friend of mine got engaged a couple days ago... And surprsing even myself, I am off the wall excited for the couple! Maybe it's because she has completely blessed my life, or that they both deserve every happiness in the world... Maybe it's the Holy Spirit transforming my heart. A year ago, I would have flashed a fake smile, and wandered to a quiet place where I could sulk, and be bitter. Why is it not me? Why is it never me? But this time my reaction has changed. I suppose it is possible that my desires have changed. A thought that has been creeping around in my mind as of late: What are people going to have to say about me after I die? A bit morbid, maybe. But I don't care. And this is not the same as my everyday caring what people think of me... This is my legacy, what people will remember. My hope is that people will remember a genuine faith, a kind heart, and a loving, compassionate soul. I want to live, and love recklessly for Christ. I want to reach out to those who hurt, and dance with those who are joyful. I want to cast aside all fruits of the flesh, and live a life that is pleasing to my savior... Whatever blessings come, are undeserved, I will be greatful. I desire to love, not to be loved. My body is only here temporarily- but the lives that the Lord allows me to touch, that will be my legacy. I pray that with the Lord's strength, I will be walking only in His spirit, finding His peace, His love, and His favor. In the meantime, I'm dancing with excitement for my friend... I LOVE weddings!!!!

posted by Elizabeth @ 6:54:00 PM 0 comments

Do you ever read something a million times, and then all of a sudden it has a whole new, profound meaning? I do, I did...
It is Hebrews 13:5-6...
Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said,
"Never will I leave you;
never will I forsake you." So we say with confidence,
"The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.
What can man do to me?"

posted by Elizabeth @ 8:08:00 PM 0 comments

So, last night I watched this movie. It is called Christina's House. My cousin and I had a movie-fest, and that was the one movie she was dying to see. Oh my word! It was the freakiest movie I think I have ever seen. It actually made me scared. I re-checked the locks on the house maybe 5 times before I could sleep. We woke up late this morning, and so I missed church. But we had a small amount of free time before I needed to take her home- so we watched it again. And today, I was not scared in the least. What is it about watching movies at night?

posted by Elizabeth @ 12:15:00 PM 0 comments

Wow. I just got home from a post mission team meeting. I feel sad.
For the last 6 months, my team and I have have been preparing for our mission trip to Costa Rica. The team consists of myself, 3 other girls, and 4 guys. We are all very different people, with different backgrounds,and different temperments, united together as children of Christ. What a thing to have in common... all of us, spaning in age from 18-32 working together to bring others to the saving grace we know as Jesus Christ. Our trip was filled with laughter, fun, challenges, faced fears, rain, thunder, and beauty. We have been home for less than 2 weeks, and I am still consumed with vivid memories that cloud the corners of my mind. I want to be back there...

Just looking at everyones pictures, I am reminded of the tranquility, and peace that is Costa Rica. I wish that everyone could experience what I did...

We departed from our church in the evening on Tuesday, June 26th. We drove to the airport, giddy with anticipation. We each had all of our bags fully emptied, a guard carefully inspecting each article of clothing for traces of gun powder, or a bomb... Welcome to the USA, post 9/11.... Really, it was not so bad, atleast I know that they check everyone... it really is a comfort, though I hate to admit it... We flew all night. We had layovers in Los Angeles, and then after a very turbulent entrance, in Houston, TX. Finally at 9am Wednesday morning, we left for Costa Rica. Believe me, it was well worth the wait! As we flew over the lush green mountains that define Costa Rica, I knew I was in paradise.

Our first night was wonderful. We stayed with a missionary couple who run an outreach camp, just outside of San Ramon. They had a beautiful home, and we were welcomed with open arms. They were probably the coolest couple I have ever met. If the Lord ever blesses me with a husband, I pray I will have a marriage like theirs. I was inspired by their hospitality, patience, and reverence for the Lord. Needless to say, staying in their home was an awesome experience.
The next day we spent in the city. Two of the camp interns took us around San Jose, where we shopped, visited museums, and even ate McDonalds! It was so much fun to be able to see a glimpse of the Costa Rican culture. That evening we took the 2 hour drive up to the camp. I normally hate driving on those curvy roads, but I had no problems that time. I couldn't take my eyes of the beauty all around us...
The next few days we spent preparing for the campers to come. We cleaned up the camp, washed windows, swept the gym floor, and some raked the rainforest, in the rain mind you... But all our tasks were completed with joy. We were so excited to be a part of the camp experience- to see God work. We also spent our time becoming more familiar with the camp. We braved the ropes challenge course, some tried the climbing wall, and others of us attemped to renew our mad basketball skills... Yeah right, no skills here. But is was cool, I have a pretty nice air ball!

I was toatlly giddy the day the campers came. We were reunited with some of the staff, that we had met earlier in our trip. We also met 50 junior high aged kids, who we were commissioned to love on for the next week. We divided up into our cabins, and set out- each of our team members seperated- for the time of our lives!

We spent the next 5 days getting muddy, dirty, and sweaty. We took pictures, developed friendships that will last forever, and had our patience tested. We sang in spanish at worship, danced at night in the rain, and sat in silence, remembering the God who created us. We rollerbladed till all hours of the night, prayed with kids as who accepted Christ for the first time, and learned how to salsa. We laughed, we cried, we scratched (talk about some crazy bug bites)... I had the most amazing week of my life! And then they all went home. It was awesome to know, however, that even if I never see those kids on earth again, I will spend eternity at the feet of God with them, praising the Lord!

And so began our last few days in Costa Rica.... Remembering the awesome work the Lord had done, I was totally amazed. I had so much fun, but I missed my new friends. And I knew that in a few days I would be on an airplane home. (By the way, fly Continental!) We again cleaned the camp. We spent time in prayer. And then, on Monday afternoon, we left the camp.I actually cried. Not a whole lot, but enough. I made a vow to myself that I would someday return. And I will. Someday. We spent that night at a hotel across the street from the airport. The next morning, after a brief team meeting, and a super scandalous Enrique Iglesias music video, we flew home. And so ended my time in Costa Rica. But, so began a new page in my life. A new page from a book with no title; and I hold the pen... Heavenly Father, please be my teacher. Tell me what it is you desire for me to write. And I promise, I will do my best...

posted by Elizabeth @ 3:38:00 PM 0 comments

This morning when I woke up the first thing I thought was "I have to go and check my email". This is sad. I do the same thing everyday when I hear the mail truck, or jeep, or whatever it is driving away from my house. I run outside- somedays with a towel on my head, or even in a bathrobe, to see if I got anything. I never do. Not anything good anyways. I get bills, and junk mail. So I turn to my email for affirmation. Somedays I get nothing. Days like today- I wake up to find I have 8 new emails. I see that, and feel like I am important. It is stupid really.

I look for my self esteem in all the wrong places. I look to people. I look to this world. I don't really understand why I do this. I should look to my heavenly father. Which is a whole other story in of itself. I have no father. Well, everyone has a father, but mine is gone. Not by his own doing, not by mine, but by God. See, when I was 13, my father died of a heart attack. It was sudden, and he took his last breath in my arms. I don't wish that single most terrified moment of my life on my worst enemy. No one should have to endure that. But I did. And now I have spent the last 7 years trying to adjust. Trying to learn that God is my father. It is a difficult concept, that I struggle with everyday. Daughters often look to thier fathers for affirmation. We long for them to tell us we are beautiful, we are wonderful, we make them proud. Unfortunately, I miss that. But I have this awesome book, called the Holy Bible. It is filled with words from my father. Words of grace, mercy, faith, hope and most important, love. It is filled with promises, and advise. I should read it more often.

So, since I have this wonderful father in heaven, who loves me enough to send his one and only son to die on the cross, so that I may have eternal life, shouldn't I love myself? Shouldn't I take my identity in the sufficiency of Christ's love. Shouldn't I toss aside the ways of the world, and never care what it thinks of me? Well , I don't. I place far too much value on what people think of me. I don't want to be this way. I need help.

Lord, I believe, help me with my unbelief....

posted by Elizabeth @ 3:15:00 PM 0 comments

What is Grace? I've decided to make it my personal mission to figure it out. I know it has been given freely to me my entire life. I know I struggle to give it to others. But why is it important? I understand that it is divine. Grace flows from Christ. Whatever I have to give to others is only an overflow of the grace that has been granted to me. I wish I knew more. I suppose I must rely on my faith. Believing is not always seeing....

posted by Elizabeth @ 1:44:00 PM 0 comments