Christmas Resolutions:
-I will
not get stressed out over what to buy people.
-I will
not get anxious about having dozens of people tromple through my nice clean home.
-I will
not cry because my family does not appreciate my Martha Stewart-ish Christmas Tree.
-I will
not get all wrapped up in the commercial mumbo jumbo.
-I will
not miss my dad.
-I will have fun with the people I love.
-I will be thankful I have a home to clean.
-I will appreciate my family's traditional Christmas Tree.
-I will remember that this is a birthday celebration for Jesus.
-I will praise my Heavenly Father for sending me life.
I feel violated…
Thursday my car was vandalized. I was at church when it happened. A friend of mine pulled me aside, and told me I needed to come outside quickly. She was totally calm, so I had no idea anything was wrong. We got outside and I walked straight over to my car. The first thing I saw was shattered glass all over the pavement. I looked inside the car to see that stuff had been rummaged through, and my stashed purse was gone. The inside of my car was equally covered with matching glass.
Four of the fifty or so cars were broken into. One of my very best friends was the one who informed me of the ‘incident’. Her car was broken into as well. We all sort of sat there- one of the girls freaked, and ran back into the church. We talked about the appropriateness of the verse we had begun to study that evening.
James 1:2-3 says: “
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything”.
This was yet another reminder of the fact that our treasure is in Heaven. I have no control over what others do. I can only control my response. Although I feel violated, I am just fine. I can be thankful that nobody was hurt. I can be thankful that it was my car, not one of the nice, new ones parked beside me, both of which belonged to good friends of mine.
I am going to remain joyful. The Lord is faithful, and good. He will provide. And someday, I will be mature and complete…
All Glory be to God...
I am in awe of the power, and of the love of the Lord! His grace never ceases to take my very breath away.
Last night I got a phone call from my doctor. Finally. And this is what I hear: "Whatever was there before is gone now. Your last test came out completely normal." I could have cried then and there. Praise Jesus! I know it is only because him that it ended up this way. In a very, very strange way, one I never could have dreamed, this whole situation has become such a huge blessing to me.
I have never felt God's love in such a tangible way before. I have never seen my heart revealed in such a dark light. I spent my afternoon looking at my self in a new light. For so long I have felt like a failure, a disapointment. I struggle with my self image. I think I got a small glimpse of how the Lord sees me. I am His Daughter. He adores me. He sent his one and only Son to die a horrible death so I could spend eternity with him. Here I am struggling for weeks at the possibility of not having children. God gave his son, for me. What am I willing to give to Him?
I had truly lost sight of what really matters. Nothing this earth has to offer could ever compare to the extravagant love my Father has lavished on me. Not even children.
My desire is to live a life pleasing to God. I hope that great things happen in my life, but I know that my treasure is in Heaven. I have been given the opportunity to spend eternity dancing in the arms of my Holy, Heavenly Father. What could top that?
These last few weeks have taught me more than I ever imagined. The Lord is holding my hand, I am sure, but the road is still rather rough.
This journey, per say, began well over a year ago. I began having dreams that due to cancer I was unable to have children. I have a long history of dreams that come true, and I have been praying against this one ever since the first night I had it and awoke in sheer panic.
For the past few months I have been sick. You know this because I keep writing about how I don’t feel well. A few weeks ago I went to the doctor. She put me on an IV that day, and wanted to admit me for further tests. I declined, purely out of fear. I have always been nervous going to the doctors, afraid of what they might say. Unhealthy, yes, I am sure, but given my family history, I give myself a little grace.
That Monday started a 3-week run of doctors and tests, and very little answers. I am faced now with the possibility of cancer. And I may never have children. It has brought me a new perspective on my own life. Honestly, I am disgusted at my own heart.
That first night I knew something was wrong, I didn’t tell anyone. It actually took me 4 days to even mutter the words to my own mother. Saying the words out loud made it too real. I spent the weekend in tears. I wept, and prayed, and tried to ‘understand’. I read in 2 Corinthians 12, where Paul talks about the thorn in his flesh. Maybe that was it, I mean I’d been given all these great revelations; maybe this was the Lord’s way of keeping me humble. This was my conclusion as I walked into Church the following Sunday.
I told a few close friends about my ‘situation’ that morning. People prayed, and I felt no peace. I had to admit it. I was beyond terrified. I ended up telling my pastor right before I left. He seemed as shocked as I felt. He asked me if he could have the people at Celebration pray for me. He promised he wouldn’t say my name, and I agreed, very thankfully.
I spent my afternoon with a few girlfriends. We cried, and baked, and laughed, and talked. For the first time in a week I smiled. We went out to my favorite sushi bar for dinner, and I talked honestly about my fears. By the time we were at Celebration I was in tears again. I sat through the first couple songs, just listening to the words. Then my pastor got up to speak. He talked about my strange dreams, first my Dad, now this… He asked everyone to take a minute and pray for me. At that moment I was so overwhelmed. There are near to a thousand people that attend, and for each of them to be interceding for me- I could barely catch a breath. I left that night feeling so blessed. So many people had come up to me that night- who had ‘just known’ it was me, or who had ‘had me on their heart all week’. I was amazed. That was a week ago yesterday.
When I got home that night, all I could think about was the message the pastor had given that night. He had talked about idols. It was then that I realized, for the first time in my life, how much of an idol having children had become to me. I placed my value, and self worth in that, instead of Christ. In all my fears, I wasn’t really afraid of having cancer. Not even afraid to die. But no kids, that I couldn’t handle. My dark heart was unveiled. I can’t begin to describe the sorrow I feel. I have put this ahead of Christ for so long, I have no idea how to get rid of it.
The week was filled with numerous phone calls, prayers, cards and well wishes from my friends. People even emailed my pastor encouragement and verses to pass on to me. It is humbling, and such a blessing. I feel so lucky to be a part of my college group. We truly are a family. And the Lord lavishes his love on us; I have seen it through his people.
I should find out this week what is going on. My God is fully capable of miracles. Maybe the doctors will tell me that nothing is wrong, and I have been healed. But, maybe they won’t. No matter what the outcome, I am at peace. I am confident in the Lord’s love for me. I am confident that he will carry me through. And I know that everything will work together for the glory of God. Amen.
