and the paradigm shifts...
I thought I had it all figured out. And then God spoke to my heart:
Beloved, do you not remember my words? Have you forgotten that I have a plan? You have stepped aside from the path I have made for you. You have never walked alone. You seek comfort in the hands of men, and you forget that I loved you first. Take hold of MY hands, and let ME see your heart. You were created in my image, beautiful among queens. You are my princess, and it is YOU that I died to save. Come away with me, to a place that I can fill your heart, and soul, and mind. Depend on me for strength. All that you need, I am.Father, make me steadfast and true. Take away my guilt and shame, and make me free in you... Thank you for NEVER letting me go...
I think she likes him...
This stuff isn't easy for me. At all. But I am learning. And, rather enjoying the process...
'Tho I can't figure out why, he seems to really like me. He appears charmed by my quirky nature, and he doesn't mind that I talk too much, that I have rediculous boundaries, or even that I laugh when he's trying to be sweet.
I know it's new, and I feel like the odds are strongly against this working, but right now it makes me smile. He makes me smile. Because he holds my hand, and kisses my forehead, and because this kind of thing doesn't happen to me.
Maybe it's all a dream, and I might wake up soon... In the meantime, let me sleep. Let me pretend like there is no end. Let me imagine what it's like to trust, and allow my heart to be seen...
I need this.
today is a new day...
I feel like I get lost easily. I'm the little kid that wanders off the path, and causes everyone around to panic. The funny thing is, that kid knows where they were the whole time...
I like to think that I know what I am doing. That I make good choices overall. So, although sometimes I am a bit uncoventional, and to others I may appear lame, or over-the-top, I know where I am.
I don't typically surprise myself.
And, then sometimes I do.
Clarity, almost.
I was born into privilege. At my first breath of life, I had a mom, and a dad, who loved me tremendously. My first days were filled with warmth and snuggles, and soft words of comfort. To me, much had been given.
Both my parents were raised in adverse conditions. The truth of God’s grace is perfected when you look at how He brought both of them out of what they were raised in. My mother’s family scares me. Her sisters are mentally ill, and that is the best thing about them. They stalk, abuse, and neglect. My brother and I actually had an argument about whether they were adults or children. I was born with more maturity and self-awareness than either of them has gained at 40. Seriously. I don’t really recall my grandfather. He died when I was very young. I have heard stories of his alcohol abuse, and his beatings. I don’t know that I could find words to express who my grandmother is. She walked out of our lives a long time ago, and when I think of her, and her twisted outlook and beliefs, my heart is consumed with pity. I know that my mother was raised in an unhealthy home. She was told daily that she was ugly and fat. Her family of 6 would share 1 can of soup for dinner. They lacked money, love, and respect. My only vivid memory of my grandmother’s home is that of cat feces on the piano, and an overwhelming stench of urine. And that is where mom grew up. When you know what she came from, she has ALREADY exceeded all your expectations.
I can’t say I know as much about where my dad grew up. I know his mother, and what she has done to me, and beyond that, I honestly do not want to know much more. I think she was raised in poverty; she has a brother that dies in some war, after they came from the Czech Republic… She married my grandfather young, and they maintained a somewhat happy lifestyle. They were well-to-do, and their children went to the finest catholic schools. Until my grandfather died. She blamed my father because he didn’t pray enough. She always favored “Bobby”, he middle child, and to this day had a very co-dependant relationship with her daughter. My dad could not do anything right, up to the day he died. I’m sure to his mother, it was a personal attack. In that home, favor was based on performance. My grandmother is a meddler, so deep into her own issues she creates them for the people around her. I believe her to be crazy.
Looking at their childhoods, you would never expect what happened. Two broken people became whole as they fell in love with each other, and came to know their Savior. God turned what had been numerous generations of sickness, sin, favoritism, rage, addictions, and hatred into a blessed union. And from His creation, I was born. Like I said before, I was born into a privilege it has taken me almost 25 years to understand.
God makes it clear in His word that to whom much is given, much will be required. This is the statement that has come to define my life. There is a call on me, which I am beginning to grasp. I will be asked to do more than my mom, or my dad. I don't expect anyone to understand, but I see a standard set for me that wasn't there for others in my family. I always knew I was different, but now I understand why....
His kingdom has a pull on me, and I walk forward with faith knowing that my past is behind me, just a stepping stone, and my future is bright as sunshine. I thankfully anticipate my destiny.
