d.e.r.a.i.l.e.d.
I will remember you, I will turn back and do the things I used to do. For the love of you.It always seems to be the same thing; I'm like a train that can't ever seem to
consistently do anything, except de-rail. It's a certainty in my life- for some it's just death and taxes, for me it's death, taxes and de-railment. Every time I get a good pace, it's like I can't fathom the good so I throw myself off the tracks. Do I really understand why? Of course not. But I do.
I want good things from this life. I want to get married, have lots of babies, own a home, and be part of something bigger than myself. I want to love unconditionally, and have the kind of presence that attracts all-kinds. I want to be wise, and be blessed, and be beautiful from the inside out. I want, I want, I want.
I'm learning my worth, and am reminded everyday that I am loved. These are truths that scare me and comfort me all at once. Like I have said so many times- My wholeness is only found amidst my brokenness. So, what I don't understand it how I fall away from these things. How last weekend, I rested in the joy of serving, and felt the spirit of peace. But this weekend, I am bound by the spirit of compromise, and I find myself lost among the conforming.
Every time- I am going along good... chugga, chugga, and then *BAM* I'm off the track, struggling to figure out what happened. As I pick up the pieces of who I know myself to be, I try to get going again. It usually takes awhile to build a steady pace- but then like the last time, I am stunned as I find myself in the struggle to try to gather myself up again.
There are so many triggers for me. He calls, and I suddenly I can't think about anything else or remember why I was so mad. She calls, and my heart breaks as I once again open my self and my home to pain and rebellion. He calls, and I loose my patience, and forget to listen. She calls, and I judge. Sometimes it's work- I accomplish so much, and then I slack off. Sometimes it's home- the person I love more than most can't do anything right, and I find myself turning ugly, and unbearable. I go out to the bars, and in desperation hope that men find me attractive- for all the WRONG reasons.
Who am I kidding. I hate facing the inevitable. Is there hope for me to change? I don't want to go off the track. I know that when I do, I get right back on, dust myself off, and keep rolling towards the goal I have set my eyes upon. BUT, I still keep falling off, and I hate it.
And everytime I am lying on the ground, bruised and ashamed from my fall, I see his mighty hand, to help me up. It's always there, I guess maybe I only take it when I am down.
I tell myself today- Perfect Love drives out fear. The same fear that keeps me falling. Away from the one I love. Thankfully, He always takes me back.
I will remember you. I will turn back and do the things I used to do.
For the Love of You.
Strength.
God, give me a strength that is not my own. My meager attempts to remedy this situation are failing. You alone know what she needs. I trust that we are in your hands, but Father, my heart is bursting at the seams with fear. Please keep her safe, guard her heart, and her soul. Give her discernment from evil, and a peace in your truth.
In Isaiah you asked who would go for you- who should you send?
SEND ME. I know that I have nothing to offer you or anyone. But I come to my knees before you and humbly ask for your words, and your heart. Please guide me in my choices and my my spirit. Never have I desired to be more like you. And maybe that is the very reason you are allowing me to be a part.
Jesus, I see that you are The sacrifice. I offer my life and my being for your purpose God, whatever it is. Teach me to love with your heart, and to see through your eyes. Use me how you may. And may you be glorifed with everything I am.
He told me so...
My worth is in Him alone. He is my Father. He knows every hair on my head. He sees every move I make. He knows the number of my days. He sees my destiny. I fearfully and wonderfully made. He carries me close to His heart. He will bring me home one day. He promised to take away all the pain.
He designed me. He defines Love. He desired to Love me. I am His treasure.
He knows my heart. I am made in His image. He will never leave me. He is perfect. He knows of, and provides for all my needs. He will never do me harm. He calls me daughter. He knew my name before I was a twinkle in my mothers eye. He chose me to be His own.He wants me to be part of great things. He is right where He said he would be. He will give me the desires of my heart. He created my desires. He can do more than I could EVER imagine.
He is my redemption. He keeps no score cards. He died for me.
He has Hope for my future. His love will never end. He sings about me. He abandoned Heaven and the angels to be with me. Nothing can separate me from his perfect Love. He has time for me. He will always BE. He is my biggest fan. His arms are always open for me. He holds me when I cry.
He is patient.
He waits for me.
That's MY King!!!
My King was born King.
The Bible says He’s a Seven Way King.
He’s the King of the Jews – that’s a racial King.
He’s the King of Israel – that’s a National King.
He’s the King of righteousness.
He’s the King of the ages.
He’s the King of Heaven.
He’s the King of glory.
He’s the King of kings and He is the Lord of lords.
Now that’s my King.
Well I wonder if you know Him.
Do you know Him?
Don’t try to mislead me.
Do you know my King?
David said the Heavens declare the glory of God, and the firmament show His handiwork.
My King is the only one whom there are no means of measure can define His limitless love.
No far seeing telescope can bring into visibility the coastline of His shore of supplies.
No barriers can hinder Him from pouring out His blessing.
Well, well, He’s enduringly strong.
He’s entirely sincere.
He’s eternally steadfast.
He’s immortally graceful.
He’s imperially powerful.
He’s impartially merciful.
That’s my King.
He’s God’s Son.
He’s the sinner’s saviour.
He’s the centrepiece of civilization.
He stands alone in Himself.
He’s honest.
He’s unique.
He’s unparalleled.
He’s unprecedented.
He’s supreme.
He’s pre-eminent.
Well, He’s the grandest idea in literature.
He’s the highest personality in philosophy.
He’s the supreme problem in high criticism.
He’s the fundamental doctrine of proved theology.
He’s the carnal necessity of spiritual religion.
That’s my King.
He’s the miracle of the age.
He’s the superlative of everything good that you choose to call Him.
Well, He’s the only one able to supply all of our needs simultaneously.
He supplies strength for the weak.
He’s available for the tempted and the tried.
He sympathizes and He saves.
He’s strong God and He guides.
He heals the sick.
He cleanses the lepers.
He forgives sinners.
He discharged debtors.
He delivers the captives.
He defends the feeble.
He blesses the young.
He serves the unfortunate.
He regards the aged.
He rewards the diligent and He beautifies the meek.
Do you know Him?
Well, my King is a King of knowledge.
He’s the wellspring of wisdom.
He’s the doorway of deliverance.
He’s the pathway of peace.
He’s the roadway of righteousness.
He’s the highway of holiness.
He’s the gateway of glory.
He’s the master of the mighty.
He’s the captain of the conquerors.
He’s the head of the heroes.
He’s the leader of the legislatures.
He’s the overseer of the overcomers.
He’s the governor of governors.
He’s the prince of princes.
He’s the King of kings and He’s the Lord of lords.
That’s my King.
Yeah. Yeah.
That’s my King.
My King, yeah.
His office is manifold.
His promise is sure.
His light is matchless.
His goodness is limitless.
His mercy is everlasting.
His love never changes.
His Word is enough.
His grace is sufficient.
His reign is righteous.
His yoke is easy and His burden is light.
Well. I wish I could describe Him to you, but He’s indescribable.
He’s indescribable. Yes.
He’s incomprehensible.
He’s invincible.
He’s irresistible.
I’m coming to tell you, the heavens of heavens cannot contain Him, let alone a man explaining Him.
You can’t get Him out of your mind.
You can’t get Him off of your hands.
You can’t outlive Him and you can’t live without Him.
Well, Pharisees couldn’t stand Him, but they found out they couldn’t stop Him.
Pilot couldn’t find any fault in Him.
The witnesses couldn’t get their testimonies to agree.
Herod couldn’t kill Him.
Death couldn’t handle Him and the grave couldn’t hold Him.
That’s my King. Yeah.
He always has been and He always will be.
I’m talking about He had no predecessor and He’ll have no successor.
There’s nobody before Him and there’ll be nobody after Him.
You can’t impeach Him and He’s not going to resign.
That’s my King! That’s my King!
Thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory.
Well, all the power belongs to my King.
We’re around here talking about black power and white power and green power, but it’s God’s power.
Thine is the power. Yeah.
And the glory.
We try to get prestige and honour and glory for ourselves, but the glory is all His.
Yes. Thine is the Kingdom and the power and glory, forever and ever and ever and ever.
How long is that?
And ever and ever and ever and ever.
And when you get through with all of the evers, then, Amen.
—Dr. S. M. Lockridge
Joyful, Joyful, Lord, we adore thee...
Easter will always be the biggest mystery.
Why?
I don't believe we will ever know. Because we don't love like that.
Thankfully, he does.
And, for the first time in a long time, I feel it.
Today I found solace...
On my swing.
Yep. True story.
I took Lola on a walk throught the neighborhood and the park. It was such a beautiful day! So when we got home I took Lola through the gate and let her loose in the backyard. I turned up my iPod, sat on that swing and sang at the top of my lungs.
For the first time in a long time I was completely unaware of my surroundings. I didn't care who heard me, or what I was singing. I just pumped my legs through the air, back and forth. I felt like a child as the wind blew through my hair, and the grass tickled my toes.
The shy was blue with scattered clouds. I imagined that they were animals and toys and people I love. For 45 minutes my world was at peace. My soul was content. I had not a worry in my mind. It's like what every moment of my life could be like, if I could learn to life a life of surrender...
I am anxiously awaiting the next sunny day... I want to go swing again. Only, next time not for so long...
'Cuz after all that- my butt huts.
Thanks, Meredith.
Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.
51- even if I am the only one still counting...
Happy would-be Birthday Dad!
Well, just so you know- old man, I went to the cemetary today. Big shocker, I know. I'm not sure if you saw me, but I was there. It's been quite a few years- I almost couldn't find the marker. But, I did, and I plugged my iPod into my head and I sang to you. And, let's be honest, I cried a little, too. I wanted to bring something; I thought about flowers, and maybe writing out a card. But I knew it wouldn't actually mean anything. Besides, I have no eloquent words, or fancy things to say. Just the heart of your little girl, missing you today.
Seriously dad, today it was like you were really still here. Honestly, so surreal. I just sang so loud, even while it rained. And I could feel you smiling. I prayed that God would let you sit and listen for awhile, and it sure felt like he did.
I really can't believe you have been gone this long. It seems like yesterday we were driving to Sonora making up verses to "Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay', and booking hotels for soccer tournaments. I miss you everyday. Sometimes, like right now, I still cry a little. Even though it feels so selfish, I want you to be here- just for 10 minutes, to hug me, and laugh, and tell me that you love me. That you are proud of who I have become.
I hope you know how much I love you. You are a standard to which I compare all men. Thank you for your example of what a Godly man should be. Even though it's easy for me to dwell on the fact that you are gone, I know that God gave me an amazing father. I look at others in my life, and feel confident to say that I got more in our 13 years than most people get in a lifetime. I have to learn to hold on to that when I miss you. Then again, maybe that's why I miss you so much more...
Sometimes I wonder if when the heavens are still you can hear my voice. When there is a break in the clouds, can you see me at all? Do you know when I am talking about you? My heart burns for the day when I will get to see you again. Trust me, you'll recognize me, even though I'm all grown up. YOU know my soul and my spirit. You always did. Maybe even better any one else. I still remember sitting in the living room and you explaining to me that I saw the world differently than most people. You said we were the same. You told me that I had something people wouldn't always understand. I never understood until now. I had YOU.
You were everyone's favorite. My friends all loved you. Your employee's loved you. People in the church loved you. The community loved you. Professional sports teams held moments of silence in your honor for pete's sake! The newspapers ran articles... You changed people. You left a mark, a legacy.
So, here we are. Somethings, like my memories never change. Others do...
Mom got married. Marty is a good man who loves her. I think you'd have liked him.
Dan is a man. Really. He's tall like you. He loves Jesus. The scary thing is that you have been gone from his life just as long as you were in it...
Me. I miss you the most. But, I'm good. I'm like you. I hear it all the time. Well, maybe I'm a tad more responsible...
Really... I have a good job, and a nice home. I'm going back to school in July. Bachelor of Business Administration. (See, right up your alley!) I'm even paying for it all on my own. :-) I got a dog, and oh yes, I wear contacts now (again, sound familiar). I think I'm doing ok...
51. Today. I don't know if anyone besides me still counts, but I do. Even though God has sent me many blessings, I still love you like you were here. And I probably appreciate you even more now... I wish I had something to give you. I just hope there is some way you know that my heart is there. I know you took a piece of it with you when you left.
About that... When you see the man that God has for me, will you please watch over him. And when it's time for me to get married- will you send me a sign that you are there? That you support me. Dad, speak to that man, and give him that piece of my heart, so he can return it to me on that day. I know it seems silly, but if anyone could even understand what that would mean, it would be you...
I miss you. I love you. And today I remember the man you were.
No daughter could ever be more proud than me.
Happy Birthday.
God is funny...
This weekend I prayed for God to make me desperate. I prayed that he would help me find time each day to climb into his arms and just *be*. So....
I went to the market to get some food. I figured that on the way home I should stop at the carwash and vacuum out the inside of my car (thanks to Lola the Maz has enough hair to make another dog). Not my best choice. Why?
Reason #1:
The place is downright shady.
Reason #2:
Random men walk around and ask you for money.
Reason #3:
I get nervous when it's getting dark and strange men apprach me in a fairly secluded area.
Reason #4:
When I get nervous I do silly things, like lock my keys in the trunk.
Now, for most people, locking the keys in the trunk is no big deal. Beth, you say- just flip the switch on your door, and it will pop right up! Here's the deal about that:
Once upon a time I was in a wedding. After arranging a rendez-vous with a very handsome groomsman, this smitten kitten backed up her car into a very large truck, thus permanently jarring my trunk. I could tell you a much longer version, but really, who cares. The point is- I locked my keys in my (unopeneable with out the key) trunk in a very shady area today.
So- why is this about a prayer, and God being funny??? Because I prayed that God would help me find time to spend with Him. And what happened?
I was trapped in my car for over an hour waiting for my spare key to arrive with nothing to do but read my bible. Ironic? No. Because my creator knows me all too well. Had I gone home I would have cleaned, talked to my roomie, eventually watched something on T.V.- basically, not read my bible.
He said it- Ask and you shall recieve.
Now about that husband....
