I will be there for you
When I lost faith
You believed in me
When I stumbled
You were right there
For every act of love you've done
I owe you one
There were hard times
I know we survived
Just because you stayed by my side
With all I have with all I am
I promise you all my life
Whenever the road is too long
Whenever the wind is too strong
Wherever this journey may lead to
I will be there for you
Through sorrow
On the darkest night
When there's heartache
Deep down inside
Just like a prayer you will be there
And I promise you all my life
Whenever the road is too long
Whenever the wind is too strong
Wherever this journey may lead to
I will be there for you
Confession
Finding the proverbial 'it'. I feel like I am still searching...
The older I get, the more I realize how much I
don't have my s#*% together. Let's be honest, I am not sure what I even want anymore. I search and I search, looking for
something to give me a clue, of where to go or what to do. I feel like I get lost in the hustle and bustle of life; I get caught up in the details. I often find myself staring off into nothingness, in desperate hope that 'it' may appear.
We are often told, both in scripture, and by our friends, that we will find a fantastically complete wholeness in Christ. I know that he is full of grace, and love. He has never not provided for me. But, let me be the first to tell you, there are so many days in my adventure with Him that I feel more alone than ever. I feel like a failure.
Society has given an image of who and what I should be. I know by watching movies, and reading magazines that I should most definately be blonder, tanner, thinner, happier, busier, more active, more helpful, and less inquisitive. I should HURRY Up- buy the house, get married, have a bunch of kids... I realize now that many people view marriage as just a new form of dating, we have sex to 'get to know eachother'. I've learned that I don't make enough money, and I am not educated to today's standards. What I don't understand most- WHAT are we rushing to?
I'm tired. I'm lost. I don't get it anymore. I see Christ as he waits near the blood stained cross. He holds out his nail pierced hands, and I am afraid to take hold. I 'get' that I'll never be enough. I'm reminded daily of the ways I don't measure up. But these repeated pressing images almost make me more unsure of my worth in Christ. I know I should not fit into the world, but I have a hard time seperating, and grasping...
I need answers. Or SOMETHING. Searching for it... Whatever 'it' may be.
That's all.
My provision
Things are looking up. I guess I should too. Literally...
It has been amazing to see God work on my house. Crazy to think about, I know, but HE IS! I can't beleive I get THIS house. It has everything I wanted. Well, actually, I got it with out even knowing it was exactly what I wanted. When I decided I wanted a house, I said:
"I want a garage, a fireplace, a nice yard and wood floors."
When I got this house, it had carpet. BUT, underneath were BEAUTIFUL wood floors. They are being re-finished as I write.
THEN, through random people, some I don't even know- I was given, or sold at a VERY low price: Couch, kitchen table set, pots and pans, entertainment center, washer and dryer, refridgerator. I already had a lot of stuff, but knew I was missing some pretty major stuff. I made a list of what I needed, and told God, and let it go. Here I am, now, just about to move in, and everything has fallen into place. Even my new roomie. It is insane at how much HE is a part of my home. I feel so blessed.
The craziest part for me is that I have not stressed at all about any of it. YEAH- totally NOT like me! At first I felt guilty taking the gifts from people. I felt bad that I had not earned them, or worked for them. But, my heart has been changed, and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.
As I said to Brad in New Zealand:
"The sun is shining, I'm reading a great book, and I'm wearing pink. What more could a girl ask for?"
Really...
Loosing it
I am confused about me. A bit of an identity crisis I suppose. In all honestly, going away and having fun, and actually liking who I was- just reminded me of how unhappy I am at home. Not really any one thing in particular- more of an overall dissatisfaction. I'm just in so many transitions right now- changing churches, changing homes, friends leaving, changes at work... Nothing by itself is huge, but altogether I am overwhelmed. I'm not really sure what feelings and emotions belong to which situations and changes. I want desperately to lean on my rock- and feel His perfect strength surge through me. For whatever reason, maybe it is pride, I can't seem to get there. Even now, as I begin to fall to my knees before the throne of grace, there seems to be a wall of steel... The sound of my own hand weakly hitting the cold metal begins to mimic the sound of my own fragile heart beating. slower. slower. slower...
The Song
What day is it
And in what month
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time
Cause it's you and me and all of the people
Nothing to do, nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people and
I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you
All of the things that I want to say
Just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words, you got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here
Cause it's you and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people and
I don't why I can't keep my eyes off you
Something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful
Everything she does is right
Cause it's you and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people and
I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of
You and me and all of the people
With nothing to do nothin to prove and
It's you and me and all of the people and
I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you
What day is it
And in what month
This clock never seemed so alive
