Give Freedom a chance...
I'm trying. It's true.
I desire to surrender my will to the Fantastic.
I plan to be spontaneous in my actions of love.
I request a wisdom and grace that are not my own.
I would like to forget who I was, and even where I have been.
All is new. I have been lost in Him, and I pray that *I* never emerge again.
Father God, tap the potential you see in me. Move me beyond myself and my desires. Take my heart and make is pure. Be my first thought each morning, and my last each night. Fill my days with your joy and your peace. You are. That's more that I could ever need.
Thank you for showing up right where I wasn't looking. Thanks for being a God of surprise and awe and wonder.
For one moment in my life, I would give everything I am, everything I could dream to be to have one person look at me and only see you.
Please restore my fire. Show me your blueprints, and give me your dreams.
I think
we are ready.
truth.
Sometime I have a peace, like I know some marvelous secret. It fills my very soul with joy and I fell as though I may burst out and giggle for no reason. Some nights when I lay my head on the pillows before I fall asleep I realize my cheeks are actually sore from smiling. My dreams are filled with hope and revelation, and my soul is free. These are the days that I know Him, my prince who adores me. Who gives all to know me. Some girls dream of a knight in shining armour, I realize that I already have mine.
I am inspired to live dangerously, love recklessly and laugh excessively. My life is enchanted, and I am the princess in the land of splendor and freedom.
Praise Him for everything. He asks for no less.
Helpful Hints.
WARNING: The following is rather harsh. Read with caution.
I feel like I spend much of my time getting to know people- like REALLY know them. I like to understand what their gifts are, what kind of temperament they have, how they communicate, and how they view themselves. And, it usually works. Not to be arrogant in any way, but I am rarely wrong about people.
So- here is MY problem…
There are a few people out there who have yet to figure me out. And not like I am planning to bear my soul, and introduce others to the intricate details of my being- I just want to ‘enlighten’ some folks on how to ‘get’ me. And in essence, not piss me off…
1.I am an intelligent woman. Talk to me as such. I may be quirky and somewhat naïve to some sexual exploits- but I’m a smart cookie. And 9 times out of 10, I’ll figure it out on my own. Don’t talk down to me. You may have knowledge in other areas than me- but I guarantee you are not smarter.
2.I get tired sometimes. My days can be long, and my brain gets fried. My job is great most days, but noting is perfect. I get overwhelmed. I feel less than. Other rub their successes in my face. I use my brain all day long. When I get home, I don’t want to talk. I want to relax, and re-focus. And I don’t want to hear you speak.
3.I do more than most in one day’s time. Give me some credit. I have my career. I go to school full time. I take care of my dog. I keep up an immaculate house- inside and out (mostly). I maintain a large group of friends. I read my bible. I talk to God. And, I try really hard to be a good friend. AND, I pretend like it’s not a big deal. But it is, and sometimes I need help. Instead of telling me where I fall short, help me celebrate what I accomplish. I’m hard enough on myself.
4.I understand what hard times are. I’ve been there. You don’t need details- you just need to realize that although I am young in years, I am old in life experience. I would never tell you that my life has been harder than yours, so don’t tell me that yours has been harder than mine. Different is the appropriate word. There is no way to equalize life experience. Celebrate my joys, and hold my hand in the sorrow, just don’t belittle my reality.
5.I am strong. I’d rather suffer in silence than allow someone to see me be weak. I know how to hold my head up, and hold back the tears. I know how to be the mature one in a situation. I’m not perfect, but I believe I can handle quite a bit. God gave my broad shoulders in more ways than one. I carry a lot. Don’t argue.
6.I talk through my feelings. I am excellent at verbalizing my emotions, and responses. If I am talking about something deep- don’t try to fix the problem. Don’t tell me about your personal experiences. Just listen. I have yet to meet someone who can do this. Your words are only that. Words. So refrain from saying more than: I’ll pray for you; that really sucks; I love you, or I’m sorry. I don’t need anything else. I don’t want anything else.
7.I know how to apologize. I can see my faults. When you tell me I have hurt you, my genuine response will be that I see it, and I am sorry. When I tell you that you have hurt me, please do the same. Don’t make excuses, or tell me you are working on it. Say: I AM SORRY. It’s not hard, but it mends my heart faster than you could ever imagine. Own it. You are not perfect. Get over it.
8.I’m real. What you see is what you get. The only thing I pretend to be is tough. My friendship is real. My love is real. My hurt is real. Please be real. If you are not, I will loose interest and respect. Although if you can’t be honest, you probably don’t care.
9.I won’t lie to you. Ask me anything. I’ll tell you. But, if you don’t want to know, don’t ask. Again, this goes both ways. If I ask your opinion it is because I care what you think. If I don’t ask, don’t give it. Simple, huh.
10.I like to have attention. But, I can be okay without it too. What gets really frustrating to me is other peoples need to be important all the time. I see it as a sign of insecurity, you need to be accepted. But, who are you trying to impress? God is the only one worthy of that, and trust me, when you gossip, or breach confidence, or slander others to make yourself look better, I am pretty sure he’s not impressed. Get your priorities in line.
11.I have great expectations. For all that I am I believe in the possibility of great and marvelous things. So you don’t. You think my hopes and dreams and everything that defines my core is a bunch of hooey. Oh well. Do you tell a 3 year old there is no Santa? No. Why? Because no decent person wants to be responsible for crushing a belief. So leave my dream alone. If they don’t come true, I’m the one who will be disappointed, not you. Who’s it hurting? Let me believe.
12.Don’t complain. It’s the ugliest thing you can do. All you do is pull others down. If you don’t like your job, get a new one. If you don’t like your friends, get new ones. If you think you are fat, go to the gym and quit eating crap. If you don’t like your boyfriend, break up with him. Honestly, if you want to actually make changes, I will be with you every step of the way. But, if you complain I will tune you out. Really.
13.When I am done, I am done. I shut down. It’s what I do. If you compete with me, or talk over me, or interrupt me, I will stop talking. I will disengage. And then our conversation will be over. End of story.
14.It’s almost always obvious how I am feeling. Pay a little attention. Ok.
15. I am a perfectionist. Failure is my biggest fear. Be mindful of this when you criticize. Though I may act tough as nails, sometimes I cry myself to sleep. Human, yeah, that's what they call it...
Nothing written is intended to elevate ME in any way. I fall short. I GET THAT. You want to get me, these are just some clues. If you read this and think that nothing is about you, you are probably wrong. Right or wrong, this is how I feel. Think what you want- I don’t really care.
the state of the union- I mean me.
I am under attack.
It's not my war to wage.
PLEASE fight for me, God. Please. I have NO strength to battle.
This child is alone, calling out in desperation for a savior. Save me from myself.
For real.
My heart hurts. I feel empty.
He’s not listening to me. And, now I am tired. I feel like I have been waiting, and hoping, and dreaming about a life abundant, but I am here now, alone, and seeing the world with open eyes.
I’m angry. I hate the state of my family. I’m so tired of being left out. There are high demands and expectations for my life, ones I’ll never meet. I miss my dad.
I’m so tired of gossip. People act self-righteous all the time, and not one of them can be real with who they are.
I’m tired of having nightmares. I want to get some sleep. I want to dream about fairies and lollipops, and sunsets over the beach. I want to be free in my own head. I want to think about nice things, not everything that is wrong with me.
I know intense pain. I close my eyes and I feel hands that violate my body. I hear lies about what I am and what I have caused. I scream out loud in my sleep, possibly the only escape for my grief, and outpouring of my fears.
For one day, I want to be heard. I want to speak and have someone listen. Not offer advise, or tell me about how their situation is worse. I don’t want to hear what is wrong with me. Not anymore. I don’t understand why so many people feel the freedom to speak about my faults, whether in teasing, or reality.
There is a part of me that FEELS. Imagine that. I’m a great pretender. I know how to wear the happy face. I know how to join the crowd, and have mastered poking fun at myself. It usually merits a laugh, or two.
Sometimes I’m not nice. And I don’t care. I don’t want to hear about how much you hate your job everyday. I don’t want to hear about how much your father loves you. It makes me sad, and I get jealous.
Right now I am reminded of how much I don’t like me. I’m OCD. I’m a perfectionist. I can’t let go of my hurts. I’m too hard on myself. I’m a dork. I’m a smart-ass. I have an answer for everything. I’m bulimic. I’m intense. I’m a control freak.
I’m out of control.
I want to start over. A new life. Where I can be who I want to be, and not who I am. Where I am free. Without judgement. Without scrutiny.
I scare myself. This is me- short neck, wide feet, fat body, and all. So what if I have ‘nice’ eyes. When they look inside, all they see is ugly. My spirit, my heart, me.
Leave me alone for awhile. Don’t try to fix me. I’m broken, and I am fully aware. Just let me be broken for now.
I SHOULD be praising God right now. I SHOULD be thankful for what I have. I SHOULD, I SHOULD, I SHOULD.
Well, I don’t WANT to.
