Never Enough
Happy 24th Birthday to me. One more year gone and neatly tucked away as a multitude of memories that hopefully I will never forget. Then again, there are a few I might as well not remember...
With each milestone that passes in our lives, be it years of life, new beginnings, or re-surfacing of old friends- we are forced to look at ourselves. And be honest. Not overly critical, mind you, because we can't go back. But the idea of taking a real approach to who we are, what we have become, and to evaluate where we are at- this is what signifies growth. Can I honestly look at myself at 23, 22, or 21, and say I am the exact same person? No. Because I have changed. Someways are for the better. There is also the realization that there are parts of myself that are more jaded and torn than last year and the one before. I see that there is a beauty in my brokenness- but there is one piece that is ugly.
I don't like to ask for things. I have a hard time accepting gifts from people in general. However, I am always so greatful when someone takes the time to find something wonderful for me. This year, there was only one thing that I wanted. I prayed specifically for it. And, here it is, 10:30 pm on my birthday, I am about to go to bed, and I didn't get it.
I never told anyone, so I have no right to expect it. Not that I'd have a right regardless. The fact that this insignificant thing has cast a shadow on my whole day, and the rediculous amount of love I was shown today is ugly.
Hoorah for the growth I have seen. Yeah that I have changed somewhat significantly in the past 364 days. One very ugly thing has remained, and that, ladies and gentleman is what I have refleced upon today. I am a slave to myself.
One thing, Beth. Can't you let it go?
So many thoughts
My head is spinning with new ideas. My heart is open and I feel free. I am so excited that I can hardly stand it.
God is moving. I can feel his stirring in the rustle of leaves on the sidewalk. I can hear his whispers in the wind around the trees. Something amazing is happening, and I believe we are going to see miracles.
Be watching. Be ready. He's asking us to be a force, and is allowing us to partake in the mystery of his divine and glorious plan.
He's bigger than the box we put him in. He loves, he forgives, and today, I believe he is smiling.
I am NOT sorry.
Last night I had fun. The kind of fun that makes you dance on bars and sing songs with men you just met. Before anyone panics, Don't. I may not always make the best choices, but I am learning that sometimes that's ok.
Newflash: I'm not perfect. Wait, there is no news here. Everyone knows that. I really don't know why I feel such intense need to be something I am not. I am driven internally by a desire to be flawless. Um, you've seen me, flawless is clearly something I am not.
What I want to say is that I am learning to give myself a little grace. Let go a little. Take some risks, not play everything so safe all the time. I want to be the girl who people look at and say, "She never pretended to be something she wasn't. And, she knew how to have fun. " Let's be honest- who could really say that now.
I've known for a long time that my life is seperated into two realms. They are polar opposites, and I dwell in one of the extremes at any given time. I work so hard to control 'things' and 'situations' that I have lost touch with my own self control.
I've lost it with guys, I have lost it with friends, and last night, I lost it at a bar. Don't ask me what happened, because I will be honest- I don't clearly remember. Shocked? You shouldn't be. I am becomming more and more aware of the situations in which I have lost control. Of my self. Trust me, it's nothing new.
Yes, a fruit of the spirit is self control. I realize that much of my actions in relation to this area are exhibiting sin. And that hurts my father. For that, I am sorry. I won't try to make excuses, or say that it's good.
For the rest of it... I'm not sorry. I don't take it lightly, but I do know that it's not everything. Too many Irish Car Bombs, not so good. Me having fun, letting go, and being me- that part I am okay with.
Go ahead, hang your head and sigh with disappointment. Or, be happy for me. Either way, I don't really care. Something within me is changing. I can't quite put my finger on it, but that will come.
Last night I had fun. The kind of fun that makes you dance on bars and sing songs with men you just met.
Enough Already.
My heart is broken. I don't know what do.
Then again, maybe this truth is where the problem actually lies. I am astounded as I try to grasp hold of the reality we are faced with. I CAN'T wrap my head around it. It is an epidemic, and my very being is burning with a passion to fight it.
Women. We are loosing who we are. We are encouraging our own heartache. We are asking for trouble. And, we are condemning our daughters to despair.
If you are a woman, I am speaking to you.
You are beautiful. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. God himself designed you, just as you are. He loved you and called you his own, before you were a glimmer in your mother's eye. He wanted you to be with him so much, he sent his only son to die on a cross for you. HE WANTS YOU.
Your worth is not based on your dress size, your bra size, or your shoe size. Your worth is not based on what you look like in the morning, how much time you spend in the gym, or how many men want to date you. Your worth is not dependent on how many people approve of you, how many friends you have, or what kind of car you drive. It does not matter if you drink too much, swear too much, or yell too much. There is no relevance in any of these things.
GOD LOVES YOU. Just as you are.
I am so sad to see what we are doing. And I say we because I am a part of it. I have lost sight of the joy of salvation, and the cost at which I was bought and paid for- IN FULL. My worth is on that cross. My worth is something I can't touch, or see, or smell. My worth comes from something so perfect and divine, I can't even imagine it's glory. I can't grasp God in all his fullness, yet he sees me, and wants me. ME! Not because I am a good friend. Or because I love my family. He doesn't want me because I sing at church, or lead bible studies. He wants me, because he made me. And He paid more than I can imagine to hold me close in his arms, and call me beloved.
I sit here half in frustration, half in sheer excitement. I mean, to be called a daughter to the King. What more should there be?
Yet, I make it more. I make it SO much more. And I get frustrated with other women in my life when they critique themselves- and pick every thing about them to pieces. But, I do the same thing. I may not voice it, but I feel it. There is a bar that has been set by someone (they should be shot), that says :
Women of America- you should be:
~stronger
~thinner
~richer
~prettier
~younger
... And the list goes on. Point being- in this world we are NEVER going to be enough. And this is an outrage, right?
Well, this whole idea of not being enough, it's nothing new. In fact, it's because I know that I can't live a sinless life that the idea of Christ claiming me means so much. I am not enough to be with God, yet he still wants me.
The problem does not as much lie with women not being enough, it is what we are not enough OF.
God saw that in our humanity, we couldn't do it without him. He planned a way out. He knew from the beginning we would fail to live a perfect life. He KNOWS that! He created women to be soft, and lovely, and merciful. He created us to be strong, and wise, and nurturing. We are all different, created for His pleasure. God created us with free-will. All he asks it that we love him.
What we have done, is created a new image of woman. We have stripped her of her dignity by posing nude in magazines. We have robbed her of her value by taking her out of the home and pushing her into the workplace. We have turned against each other in judgment .We have accepted the standard by continually conforming, regardless of the cost.
Do I feel convicted? You bet. Today alone I made fun of a co-workers shoes, noted a mis-matched outfit, thought about how unflattering another's haircut was. I noted how loud one woman was, how passive another was, and silently listened as yet another woman was cut down. And this was all before 10am.
And I wonder why we have 10 year old girls with eating disorders. Why 13 year old have multiple sex partners, just to feel like they belong. Why high school seniors are getting boob jobs for graduation presents. I am part of the problem. I'm just as self-destructive as any of them- I am just better at hiding it.
My hearts cry is that we, as women would anchor our worth on the rock of Christ. If we could begin to understand our own redemption, we could share it with the women around us. Instead of judging our peers, we should be building them up with love. I want to take back the image God laid out for us. I want to claim it for myself, and no longer conform to the world. I want to spend more time talking about how Great my God is, than about who's on what diet, and who said what.
I am sick and tired of never measuring up to a standard that quite frankly, will never matter to God. I am done with proving my worth to people who have no say in my salvation. Our values have deviated from the course Christ laid out. We quit caring about what he wanted, and became obsessed with what out world wanted.
I desire to be like Jesus. To be fun, and dangerous, to challenge the minds of the people around me. I want to love recklessly, and laugh till my sides ache on a daily basis. I want to be uncomfortable in a world I don't fit until my father comes, to take me home. And when he arrives, I want to take as many people as my arms can hold.
The truth is, life hurts. Our parents and our friends don't meet our expectations. We get let down, and it breaks us. The beauty is this: It is our brokenness that allows us to see our need. It is up to us to need Him, and not this world.
Alone in the silence I can hear you.
What I desire is not what I find myself to be. If for one day day I could just see through the eyes of my Father; the heart of His people, His view of me. I have a longing in my soul for something I have never found. I know there will be an un-rest in my spirit until I am home.
Please sustain me in this journey. Reduce me to love. Refine me like Gold. Teach me the language of letting go in this world. Show me your Glory. Help me. Heal me. Change me. Mold me. Make me more like you. May the cry of my heart go deeper than tears...
Be.
You ARE.
You just need to know.
I'm okay with things changing from how they have been. Hell, I even started it.
But, friend, things will NEVER be the same.
And it breaks my heart.
