anthem
I heard this song this morning, and my heart shifted. I feel the spirit moving in my soul, and I am anticipating a great revelation. My father in heaven has great things for me, and I am ready to be blessed.
And, tonight as I drive to Vacaville to be with HIM this song will be my anthem...
Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth Would care to know my name Would care to feel my hurt Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star Would choose to light the way For my ever wandering heart Not because of who I am But because of what You've done Not because of what I've done But because of who You are I am a flower quickly fading Here today and gone tomorrow A wave tossed in the ocean A vapor in the wind Still You hear me when I'm calling Lord, You catch me when I'm falling And You've told me who I am I am Yours Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin Would look on me with love and watch me rise againWho am I, that the voice that calmed the sea Would call out through the rain And calm the storm in me Not because of who I am But because of what You've done Not because of what I've done But because of who You are I am a flower quickly fading Here today and gone tomorrow A wave tossed in the ocean A vapor in the wind Still You hear me when I'm calling Lord, You catch me when I'm falling And You've told me who I am I am Yours, I am Yours I am Yours Whom shall I fear Whom shall I fear 'Cause I am Yours I am YoursCasting Crowns : Who am I
plumb.
You live inside a dream. Everything tastes so sweet. As long as it agrees with how you feel. You're dancing in your sleep. 'Til all the eyes that look at me awaken your anxieties. You're so afraid, so you try to break me. I don't want to care. And I don't want to hate. And I don't want to see you fall too far away. All because of fear. 'Cause when you're afraid you lash out at me. When you say all the things that you never meant to say. And try to break me.
But in the end, what leaves you broken, in the end, makes you better.Your face looks so green. When the sun is shining differently and you're standing in the shade. 'Cause face to face you're sweet. Like candy sticking to my teeth. But underneath so damaging.
But in the end, what leaves you broken, in the end, makes you better.I don't want to hate.
I don't want to be broken.
I don't want to hate you.
I don't want to hate.
I don't want to be broken.
I don't want to hate you.
I don't want to care.
And I don't want to hate.
You say all the things that you never meant to say. And try to break me.
But in the end, what leaves you broken, in the end, makes you better.
I don't like you
I think I've known it for quite awhile, I was just scared to admit it to myself. You continually bring me hurt and pain, and I can't cope with it anymore.
In your eyes I will never be enough.
I'm a reminder of what you don't have, and what you want.
I'm stronger than you.
It hurts you when I am successful.
You're fantastic at putting on a show for everyone else,
I just want you to be real.
I refuse to inherit your anger.
I refuse to be resentful, bitter, or afraid.
This is NOT what the Father has for me. I pray that he continues to give me strength, and shows me daily how to love you regardless, how to have mercy, and grace, and compassion.
Even when I feel like you hate me, I will love you. I just won't like you.
today i look back
I am reminded of our last 'family' outing. We gathered blankets and the cooler, and headed to Folsom to watch the fireworks after the rodeo. I'm sure that I was embarrassed and humiliated by my parents, something I would take back a million times if I could.
I remember laying on the grass, watching the sky. You could trace along the edge of the rockets, and predict when they might explode. Something so small, became something so big. Everyone watching would ooh and aah, and we were all captivated by the show of dramatic colors and beautifully designed patterns.
That night my sleep was interrupted by a life-like dream. I didn't know what had happened, but I woke up with the physical heart-wrenching pain of knowing my dad had died. I've managed to let the actual dream details get blurred over the years, but I remember that feeling as if it were yesterday. I cried for a long time in my bed, and I remember praying for God to take my nightmares away...
The next day I couldn't shake the dream feeling. It was like I had shot a gun, and no matter how much I tried, I couldn't get wash the residue away. Later that night I talked with my mom about my dream. I cried as I tried to tell her how much my heart had hurt, and how worried I was that something would happen to my dad. She encouraged me to talk to him, so I did.
Dad promised me that he was fine. He said "I promise, I am not going to die tomorrow." I didn't buy it. He proceeded to fish out his insurance papers, attempting to appease me by proving regardless, my family would be okay. He talked about loosing his own father at a young age, and then after a long and thoughtful pause, he told me "Beth, someday I won't be here. When that happens, DON'T TURN YOUR BACK ON GOD"..... (emphasis my own). That night I slept peacefully. It was the last time that would happen for many years.
Thursday, July 6, 1995- started like most other days. I got up, and my dad had breakfast on the table. We exchanged some words, and he left, telling me to be ready for practice early, as we were going to go over some drills before the other girls got there. I went to summer school with my friend Jenny, and then rushed home to eat ice cream and watch soap operas. Why we do what we do in Junior High, I'll never know. Around 4:30 that afternoon I began to put on my soccer gear. Dad got home, we loaded up, and went to practice. Only a few hours later my dad collapsed on the field. I told him to get up or I would kick him. He didn't move. I held his hand and watched as his eyes sent signs of panic. He made the most horrid noise I have ever heard. I didn't know what to do. When his eyes closed, I got up and ran. I fell nearby, where the dirt and tears made mud on my hands and face.
I, being me, composed myself somewhat and grabbed my dads cell phone out of the car. Someone else was calling 911, so I called the family I was supposed to baby-sit for that night and said I thought my dad had a heart attack (where did I get that from??) and I wouldn't make it. I gave them a number of a friend. Then I called my mom. And my aunt. And nobody could be reached. When I think back now, this was the defining moment when I first felt alone. My attention immediately turned to my brother. Mom had dropped him off earlier on her way to a meeting. He had been playing on the swings, but was now hiding behind the bleachers. He was watching, and I knew he was afraid. And here began my compulsive need to protect him...
The rest of that evening is a blur. I told people that my grandfather had died at 40 of a heart attack, and that I was sure my own dad was having a heart attack at 40 too. My team trainer and the EMS worker asked me to go with my dad in the ambulance, but I said no. I stayed with Danny. At some point my aunt came in my mom's car to pick us up, and we went straight to the hospital. I remember being taken to a small white room where Danny and I waited with Aunt Theresa and Uncle Bob. We prayed. And then Mom came in, with a few friends behind her and the only words she said were "He's gone". I managed to escape with no one noticing, as Danny began to wail, and everyone else was holding each other.
I walked straight to my dads room. Call it a sixth sense, I knew right where to find him. I stood there for a long time. Silent. Unbelieving. How could the man who lay there be my dad. He looked just like him, but I knew it wasn't HIM. I got myself in trouble with a nurse for cutting off some of his hair... When I was escorted out, I walked into a waiting room full of my friends. All I wanted was to be alone. I left, and hid in the bathroom, until they told us we could leave. I just wanted to be alone. Alone in my practice jersey, my cleats still on, the muddy face with tear stained eyes was all I had left. The feeling from my dream was back. And every part of my body, especially my heart, was in excruciating pain.
Driving home, the only thought in my mind was- Dad, you PROMISED not today.
Today, the fireworks are everywhere. And, just the smell of them gives me a pain in the pit of my stomach. A pain of knowing that I knew, that I couldn't save him, the pain that he's gone. And today, I miss him, I miss what my family USED to be. And, I am deeply sad.
