i found grace

What Happened?

Time goes by, and things always change. I'm not sure what encourages us to fight the inevitable, or why we seem to cling to a glimmer of hope that nobody but ourselves can actually see. I can recall moments that I could have sworn I'd seen that glimmer before- but looking back I bet it was only a mirage. It is widely known that heat and thirst often produce hallucinations. People traveling through the desert often find themselves seeing large bodies of water in the distance. The problem with seeing these bodies of water or "mirages" is that they continually lead to nothing of the sort. Mirages are a glimmer of hope that we see to make ourselves keep going. I mean honestly, if you didn't have hope that something wonderful was ahead of you in your life, why would you continue. Without substantial cause to endure, I would collapse on the ground and breathe my last.

I've come to the conclusion that our heart can also produce mirages. And I believe that they look different to each person. I know that I have, for so much of my life seen the same sparkle ahead of me. It has given me the strength to keep moving, keep striving, keep pursuing.... I have held on to my hope so tightly, and for SO long that I sometimes I forget it is there. Today I can look at myself, and realize that what I thought I wanted, this driving force behind my life, isn't present anymore. It became a part of me while I wasn't looking and it disappeared in the same fashion. Something in me has shifted, and I didn't even notice.

In a life that is defined by the balance of what we hold on to, and what we let go of, I more often than not find my self dwelling in the holding on. In other words, there is not a balance. I desperately fear becoming content in the momentum of mediocrity, but I play it safe, and hold onto what I know. I have created a world for myself where everything I want is within my reach. Because I have held on to my friends, my family, and my ideals- regardless of the cost, I have managed to keep myself surrounded. Comfortable.

I have no thirst. There is no heat. No mirage of vision or heart. No dreams, but, no disappointments.

I want things to stay the same. But, I know that the one thing that is inevitable is change. It always comes. I've tried so hard to resist, to pretend that it's not impending. It's really the paradox of my life- Fear of loss of control through change, yet desperation for a hope and a thirst. The problem with that is hope prompts the response of change. Growth. Letting go.

Truth be told: I am afraid of what I crave the most.

Father, make me desperate. Give me thirst, passion, adoration, kindness, struggle, blessing, dreams, courage, your will. Regardless...
May your fire burn me to the core, the heat of your holiness penetrate my soul and bubble up my impurities. Give me the spark to ignite a nation, but more importantly the spark ignite my own spirit. And my I rejoice in you. For in my weakness, you are strong.

posted by Elizabeth @ 6:52:00 PM