i found grace

Confession

Finding the proverbial 'it'. I feel like I am still searching...

The older I get, the more I realize how much I don't have my s#*% together. Let's be honest, I am not sure what I even want anymore. I search and I search, looking for something to give me a clue, of where to go or what to do. I feel like I get lost in the hustle and bustle of life; I get caught up in the details. I often find myself staring off into nothingness, in desperate hope that 'it' may appear.

We are often told, both in scripture, and by our friends, that we will find a fantastically complete wholeness in Christ. I know that he is full of grace, and love. He has never not provided for me. But, let me be the first to tell you, there are so many days in my adventure with Him that I feel more alone than ever. I feel like a failure.

Society has given an image of who and what I should be. I know by watching movies, and reading magazines that I should most definately be blonder, tanner, thinner, happier, busier, more active, more helpful, and less inquisitive. I should HURRY Up- buy the house, get married, have a bunch of kids... I realize now that many people view marriage as just a new form of dating, we have sex to 'get to know eachother'. I've learned that I don't make enough money, and I am not educated to today's standards. What I don't understand most- WHAT are we rushing to?

I'm tired. I'm lost. I don't get it anymore. I see Christ as he waits near the blood stained cross. He holds out his nail pierced hands, and I am afraid to take hold. I 'get' that I'll never be enough. I'm reminded daily of the ways I don't measure up. But these repeated pressing images almost make me more unsure of my worth in Christ. I know I should not fit into the world, but I have a hard time seperating, and grasping...

I need answers. Or SOMETHING. Searching for it... Whatever 'it' may be.

That's all.

posted by Elizabeth @ 6:11:00 AM