i found grace

I am NOT sorry.

Last night I had fun. The kind of fun that makes you dance on bars and sing songs with men you just met. Before anyone panics, Don't. I may not always make the best choices, but I am learning that sometimes that's ok.

Newflash: I'm not perfect. Wait, there is no news here. Everyone knows that. I really don't know why I feel such intense need to be something I am not. I am driven internally by a desire to be flawless. Um, you've seen me, flawless is clearly something I am not.

What I want to say is that I am learning to give myself a little grace. Let go a little. Take some risks, not play everything so safe all the time. I want to be the girl who people look at and say, "She never pretended to be something she wasn't. And, she knew how to have fun. " Let's be honest- who could really say that now.

I've known for a long time that my life is seperated into two realms. They are polar opposites, and I dwell in one of the extremes at any given time. I work so hard to control 'things' and 'situations' that I have lost touch with my own self control.

I've lost it with guys, I have lost it with friends, and last night, I lost it at a bar. Don't ask me what happened, because I will be honest- I don't clearly remember. Shocked? You shouldn't be. I am becomming more and more aware of the situations in which I have lost control. Of my self. Trust me, it's nothing new.

Yes, a fruit of the spirit is self control. I realize that much of my actions in relation to this area are exhibiting sin. And that hurts my father. For that, I am sorry. I won't try to make excuses, or say that it's good.

For the rest of it... I'm not sorry. I don't take it lightly, but I do know that it's not everything. Too many Irish Car Bombs, not so good. Me having fun, letting go, and being me- that part I am okay with.

Go ahead, hang your head and sigh with disappointment. Or, be happy for me. Either way, I don't really care. Something within me is changing. I can't quite put my finger on it, but that will come.

Last night I had fun. The kind of fun that makes you dance on bars and sing songs with men you just met.

posted by Elizabeth @ 8:05:00 AM