i found grace

For real.

My heart hurts. I feel empty.

He’s not listening to me. And, now I am tired. I feel like I have been waiting, and hoping, and dreaming about a life abundant, but I am here now, alone, and seeing the world with open eyes.

I’m angry. I hate the state of my family. I’m so tired of being left out. There are high demands and expectations for my life, ones I’ll never meet. I miss my dad.

I’m so tired of gossip. People act self-righteous all the time, and not one of them can be real with who they are.

I’m tired of having nightmares. I want to get some sleep. I want to dream about fairies and lollipops, and sunsets over the beach. I want to be free in my own head. I want to think about nice things, not everything that is wrong with me.

I know intense pain. I close my eyes and I feel hands that violate my body. I hear lies about what I am and what I have caused. I scream out loud in my sleep, possibly the only escape for my grief, and outpouring of my fears.

For one day, I want to be heard. I want to speak and have someone listen. Not offer advise, or tell me about how their situation is worse. I don’t want to hear what is wrong with me. Not anymore. I don’t understand why so many people feel the freedom to speak about my faults, whether in teasing, or reality.

There is a part of me that FEELS. Imagine that. I’m a great pretender. I know how to wear the happy face. I know how to join the crowd, and have mastered poking fun at myself. It usually merits a laugh, or two.

Sometimes I’m not nice. And I don’t care. I don’t want to hear about how much you hate your job everyday. I don’t want to hear about how much your father loves you. It makes me sad, and I get jealous.

Right now I am reminded of how much I don’t like me. I’m OCD. I’m a perfectionist. I can’t let go of my hurts. I’m too hard on myself. I’m a dork. I’m a smart-ass. I have an answer for everything. I’m bulimic. I’m intense. I’m a control freak.

I’m out of control.

I want to start over. A new life. Where I can be who I want to be, and not who I am. Where I am free. Without judgement. Without scrutiny.

I scare myself. This is me- short neck, wide feet, fat body, and all. So what if I have ‘nice’ eyes. When they look inside, all they see is ugly. My spirit, my heart, me.

Leave me alone for awhile. Don’t try to fix me. I’m broken, and I am fully aware. Just let me be broken for now.

I SHOULD be praising God right now. I SHOULD be thankful for what I have. I SHOULD, I SHOULD, I SHOULD.

Well, I don’t WANT to.

posted by Elizabeth @ 9:03:00 PM