i found grace

I just found out that I lost my job... Not in a sense that I was fired or laid off... It's just gone... And despite all the days I'd 'had enough' or 'was done', I am sad. Really truly sad. See, I work at an elementary school with a little girl with down syndrome. She is angry, and frusterated, because she can't do what the other kindergarteners can. I can't even count how many times she had kicked me, screamed at me, thrown books at me, man you name it- she has tried it. She even gave me a black eye with her fist once. Pretty impressive for a 6 year old... But, I can also recall many times she would run to greet me in the morning, times she fell asleep in my arms, and times she just smiled. Her parents are sending her to a different school this year. She will have an aide who is well trained to work with special needs children. She will be in a special class. She will have what she needs, something I can't give her. I swore all last year, this is what she needed, and I was going to make sure it happened, even if it meant me loosing my job... Well, it has. There is a huge part of me that feels as if my mission with this child is complete. I loved her. I sacrificed my self for her, as if she were my own child. In this sense, I am happy. Content. Then there is the rest of me that aches deeply for my own loss. My friend, my challenge, my daily reminder of God's grace in my own life. I won't see her anymore. I won't be able to hold her on my lap durring story time. I can't sing to her as we walk through the halls. I can't whisper 'Jesus loves you, precious child' in her ear as we read a book. I am confident that I made an impact on her life. I was the only person able to work with her. The only one she ever bonded with. For once, my life mattered- because I was loving someone else unconditionally. Although I know my life will continue on, and it will be okay, I also know that I hurt. It's almost funny, I sat around my house for 2 hours waiting for everyone to leave so I could sit alone and cry. And I did. I still am....

posted by Elizabeth @ 7:54:00 PM