My reply for the day… “I don’t know”. Sometimes I get all wrapped up in the stupidest of things. There are moments when I wish someone would slap me across my face and tell me to ‘snap out of it’. There are days when all I can do is wait until the moment I sit in my car after work- and cry like a baby. I have surrendered to the fact that I am a strange creature, and I may never figure myself out. It is kind of scary to be here- just lingering in existence. Sometimes I can feel my body sway to the beat of the earth, completely relaxed and content. Peaceful even. Then I have a day like today. It begins like any other- I wake up to the sound of three different alarm clocks- bright and early- 4:30 am. I spend a few moments looking over the day’s passage in ‘My Utmost for His Highest’. Then at 4:45 my cell phone rings. A dear friend of mine is on the other end. We pray together in the mornings. When we are finished I go lay down in my bed for 5 minutes, to gather my thoughts- usually somewhat scattered and quite perplexing. Then I go to the gym. Now- here is an interesting topic of my life. I have come to the conclusion that I have a severe problem with obsession. I obsess over many things. One of which is my body. Completely unhealthy, I know. I’ve taken the classes; I have been witness to the lectures. But I still do it. I make my self go to the gym. Sometimes I even lie to myself to get there- ‘People won’t like to unless you are thin’ or ‘Don’t you EVER want to be married? Well, then you have got to change’. For the past 6 years of my life I have struggled with eating disorders. I have been obsessive about food. Now I am obsessive about exercise. Maybe I need help, I don’t know. Anyways, back to my day…. I get to work at 7:50, just like I am supposed to. I meet the kids at the bus, make sure they get some breakfast, and wheel them to class. I spend the next six hours of my day teaching children how to read, how to spell, and for some, how to go to the bathroom in the toilet. Sometimes it doesn’t seem real. Like today. I feel like I am in the middle of a low budget movie. I am standing in the hallway waiting for one of the children to come in from the playground. I watch, in slow motion mind you, as he falls face first on the pavement. He is bleeding. And I almost faint. I barely get him to the office when another teacher yells for my help. I run back towards the playground only to find my sweet darling from last year throwing an all out tantrum, hitting everyone who enters within 5 feet of her. And, although it should make me feel great, I feel horrible as she sees me, wipes off her face, and runs to give me a hug. (Thus forgetting the reason for the outburst) See- the other women at my school have not been very friendly. The first day I was there I was asked 4 times if I was one of the community service kids from the neighboring high school. No. I am no longer in high school! I do get the occasional parent volunteer who stands proudly on the playground, points to her perfect angel, and then ask which one is mine…. I suppose it is possible, had I started having children at the age of ten. My word. I am frustrated because everyone who meets me in the school, and has seen me work with the kids, treats me with respect. But all the others look at me like I have no clue what I am doing. I hear a lot of ‘that was before your time’ or ‘ you’re too young to understand heartache’. Bull. These people have no clue what my life has been like. But, like the pleasant flower that I try to be, I nod, and smile in agreement… Wow. I’m seriously all over the page with this one…
So fast foreword to 2:15. Time to go home. I hit the leather seats in my car, sink down, and begin to cry. I almost cause an accident on my way home, because I am having trouble seeing though the tears. I’m stressed at work, my back is killing me, and for the first time in a while, I miss my dad. I remember that I am supposed to work tonight- 9 pm until 5:30 am. Then turn around and do it all over again tomorrow. Yeah right. That had to change. So here I am, it is like 10:15 and I am at the computer venting. I have no idea what I have even written about, and right now I don’t care. I long to feel the Lord’s peace, His presence, His power. I desire to crawl up in to his arms like a child to her father, just needing some comfort. Yet tonight, I am deeply disturbed by this image, and all I can do is fall to my knees and cry. So yeah, today, I just don’t know.
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