i found grace

Clarity, almost.

I was born into privilege. At my first breath of life, I had a mom, and a dad, who loved me tremendously. My first days were filled with warmth and snuggles, and soft words of comfort. To me, much had been given.

Both my parents were raised in adverse conditions. The truth of God’s grace is perfected when you look at how He brought both of them out of what they were raised in. My mother’s family scares me. Her sisters are mentally ill, and that is the best thing about them. They stalk, abuse, and neglect. My brother and I actually had an argument about whether they were adults or children. I was born with more maturity and self-awareness than either of them has gained at 40. Seriously. I don’t really recall my grandfather. He died when I was very young. I have heard stories of his alcohol abuse, and his beatings. I don’t know that I could find words to express who my grandmother is. She walked out of our lives a long time ago, and when I think of her, and her twisted outlook and beliefs, my heart is consumed with pity. I know that my mother was raised in an unhealthy home. She was told daily that she was ugly and fat. Her family of 6 would share 1 can of soup for dinner. They lacked money, love, and respect. My only vivid memory of my grandmother’s home is that of cat feces on the piano, and an overwhelming stench of urine. And that is where mom grew up. When you know what she came from, she has ALREADY exceeded all your expectations.

I can’t say I know as much about where my dad grew up. I know his mother, and what she has done to me, and beyond that, I honestly do not want to know much more. I think she was raised in poverty; she has a brother that dies in some war, after they came from the Czech Republic… She married my grandfather young, and they maintained a somewhat happy lifestyle. They were well-to-do, and their children went to the finest catholic schools. Until my grandfather died. She blamed my father because he didn’t pray enough. She always favored “Bobby”, he middle child, and to this day had a very co-dependant relationship with her daughter. My dad could not do anything right, up to the day he died. I’m sure to his mother, it was a personal attack. In that home, favor was based on performance. My grandmother is a meddler, so deep into her own issues she creates them for the people around her. I believe her to be crazy.

Looking at their childhoods, you would never expect what happened. Two broken people became whole as they fell in love with each other, and came to know their Savior. God turned what had been numerous generations of sickness, sin, favoritism, rage, addictions, and hatred into a blessed union. And from His creation, I was born. Like I said before, I was born into a privilege it has taken me almost 25 years to understand.

God makes it clear in His word that to whom much is given, much will be required. This is the statement that has come to define my life. There is a call on me, which I am beginning to grasp. I will be asked to do more than my mom, or my dad. I don't expect anyone to understand, but I see a standard set for me that wasn't there for others in my family. I always knew I was different, but now I understand why....

His kingdom has a pull on me, and I walk forward with faith knowing that my past is behind me, just a stepping stone, and my future is bright as sunshine. I thankfully anticipate my destiny.

posted by Elizabeth @ 10:52:00 PM