This journey, per say, began well over a year ago. I began having dreams that due to cancer I was unable to have children. I have a long history of dreams that come true, and I have been praying against this one ever since the first night I had it and awoke in sheer panic.
For the past few months I have been sick. You know this because I keep writing about how I don’t feel well. A few weeks ago I went to the doctor. She put me on an IV that day, and wanted to admit me for further tests. I declined, purely out of fear. I have always been nervous going to the doctors, afraid of what they might say. Unhealthy, yes, I am sure, but given my family history, I give myself a little grace.
That Monday started a 3-week run of doctors and tests, and very little answers. I am faced now with the possibility of cancer. And I may never have children. It has brought me a new perspective on my own life. Honestly, I am disgusted at my own heart.
That first night I knew something was wrong, I didn’t tell anyone. It actually took me 4 days to even mutter the words to my own mother. Saying the words out loud made it too real. I spent the weekend in tears. I wept, and prayed, and tried to ‘understand’. I read in 2 Corinthians 12, where Paul talks about the thorn in his flesh. Maybe that was it, I mean I’d been given all these great revelations; maybe this was the Lord’s way of keeping me humble. This was my conclusion as I walked into Church the following Sunday.
I told a few close friends about my ‘situation’ that morning. People prayed, and I felt no peace. I had to admit it. I was beyond terrified. I ended up telling my pastor right before I left. He seemed as shocked as I felt. He asked me if he could have the people at Celebration pray for me. He promised he wouldn’t say my name, and I agreed, very thankfully.
I spent my afternoon with a few girlfriends. We cried, and baked, and laughed, and talked. For the first time in a week I smiled. We went out to my favorite sushi bar for dinner, and I talked honestly about my fears. By the time we were at Celebration I was in tears again. I sat through the first couple songs, just listening to the words. Then my pastor got up to speak. He talked about my strange dreams, first my Dad, now this… He asked everyone to take a minute and pray for me. At that moment I was so overwhelmed. There are near to a thousand people that attend, and for each of them to be interceding for me- I could barely catch a breath. I left that night feeling so blessed. So many people had come up to me that night- who had ‘just known’ it was me, or who had ‘had me on their heart all week’. I was amazed. That was a week ago yesterday.
When I got home that night, all I could think about was the message the pastor had given that night. He had talked about idols. It was then that I realized, for the first time in my life, how much of an idol having children had become to me. I placed my value, and self worth in that, instead of Christ. In all my fears, I wasn’t really afraid of having cancer. Not even afraid to die. But no kids, that I couldn’t handle. My dark heart was unveiled. I can’t begin to describe the sorrow I feel. I have put this ahead of Christ for so long, I have no idea how to get rid of it.
The week was filled with numerous phone calls, prayers, cards and well wishes from my friends. People even emailed my pastor encouragement and verses to pass on to me. It is humbling, and such a blessing. I feel so lucky to be a part of my college group. We truly are a family. And the Lord lavishes his love on us; I have seen it through his people.
I should find out this week what is going on. My God is fully capable of miracles. Maybe the doctors will tell me that nothing is wrong, and I have been healed. But, maybe they won’t. No matter what the outcome, I am at peace. I am confident in the Lord’s love for me. I am confident that he will carry me through. And I know that everything will work together for the glory of God. Amen.
posted by Elizabeth @ 7:26:00 PM
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