Work: I still don't like my job. I still cry on a regular basis. I have however, noticed a shift in my spirit. I am spending 7 hours a day in a campus full of people who need the Lord. To many of them I am the only representation of Jesus they have. I choose now to hold my head up high, and work like I love my job. I will continue to remind myself that yes, I work at an elementary school, but I work FOR Christ. It is only a job.
School: I hate it. The first week I was there I remembered every reason I dropped out of school the first time. I have decided that although the goal is to be a fully credentialed teacher, it is not worth killing my self over. I am going to finish this semester, and from now on I will go to school part time. I understand that this will disappoint my mother; I realize that people may view me as weak, or a quitter. I don't really care. I choose to find my value in Christ. I can't take a degree with me. What I need is more time, so I can take more people with me.
The car situation: Well... The day after my car was stolen they found it. But, it had been in quite an accident, and a week later they deemed it a total loss. I was so proud of my self because I tried my best to never complain, and I think I only cried twice- the first time when I was at work- a CHP officer pulled me out of class to let me know they found my car, but it was probably totaled; and second, when I went to clean out my personal belongings out of the car. After I had gotten everything out, I sat in it one last time, and totally lost it. I was crying not because of the car, but because of the memories it held, and the changes in my life that the car symbolized. I think fondly of Friday nights with the sunroof open and the windows down, my car full of friends. I think about the sun-damaged hood, and how as time went by I noticed it less and less. My car was like me, a little beat upon the outside, but warm and reliable on the inside. I have learned much because of that car. From the time it was broken into in December until now, I have realized how much material things don't matter. I look with great admiration at a friend of mine who doesn't have a car. His perspective and wisdom far outweigh mine. He doesn't need 'things' to be happy. He loves the Lord more than anyone I know. What one drives, or doesn't drive, cannot define who they are. With all that said I went out last Wednesday and bought a brand new Jetta. It, however, is only a car. And I can't take it with me.
Me: I am learning a lot. God continues to reveal himself to me in new ways, and I am dumbfounded each time. I have seen the error of my ways, and have surrendered all to Him. I sat last night at Celebration, and listened to others yell out the Glory of God. His presence was fully on me, and my heart burned. I have felt that my life has been so crazy, and I have used all my energy to 'not be defeated’. What needed to happen was for me to be defeated, and to let God live, and be glorified in me. I have been reading the 91st Psalm everyday. It has helped put everything into perspective. God is GREAT, and he LOVES me. I may never know why, but I believe that it is true. I must learn to give up all control, and fully submit to the Lord. I can find my rest and my shelter in the shadow of his wings. What an incredible gift. How dare I take it for granted.
Less than 2 weeks until my 21st birthday. Even less before I make the big move. In the last couple months my life has changed dramatically. What feels so terrible in the moment never looks so bad once it has passed. God has brought me through the fire yet again. I am like gold, being refined. I know that it probably won't get any easier, but I trust that the Lord's strength is more than enough to sustain me. I have so much to look forward to. And knowing that every trial makes me more like Jesus, I say, BRING IT ON! I can't handle it, but my God can.
posted by Elizabeth @ 4:01:00 PM
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