i found grace

51- even if I am the only one still counting...

Happy would-be Birthday Dad!

Well, just so you know- old man, I went to the cemetary today. Big shocker, I know. I'm not sure if you saw me, but I was there. It's been quite a few years- I almost couldn't find the marker. But, I did, and I plugged my iPod into my head and I sang to you. And, let's be honest, I cried a little, too. I wanted to bring something; I thought about flowers, and maybe writing out a card. But I knew it wouldn't actually mean anything. Besides, I have no eloquent words, or fancy things to say. Just the heart of your little girl, missing you today.

Seriously dad, today it was like you were really still here. Honestly, so surreal. I just sang so loud, even while it rained. And I could feel you smiling. I prayed that God would let you sit and listen for awhile, and it sure felt like he did.

I really can't believe you have been gone this long. It seems like yesterday we were driving to Sonora making up verses to "Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay', and booking hotels for soccer tournaments. I miss you everyday. Sometimes, like right now, I still cry a little. Even though it feels so selfish, I want you to be here- just for 10 minutes, to hug me, and laugh, and tell me that you love me. That you are proud of who I have become.

I hope you know how much I love you. You are a standard to which I compare all men. Thank you for your example of what a Godly man should be. Even though it's easy for me to dwell on the fact that you are gone, I know that God gave me an amazing father. I look at others in my life, and feel confident to say that I got more in our 13 years than most people get in a lifetime. I have to learn to hold on to that when I miss you. Then again, maybe that's why I miss you so much more...

Sometimes I wonder if when the heavens are still you can hear my voice. When there is a break in the clouds, can you see me at all? Do you know when I am talking about you? My heart burns for the day when I will get to see you again. Trust me, you'll recognize me, even though I'm all grown up. YOU know my soul and my spirit. You always did. Maybe even better any one else. I still remember sitting in the living room and you explaining to me that I saw the world differently than most people. You said we were the same. You told me that I had something people wouldn't always understand. I never understood until now. I had YOU.

You were everyone's favorite. My friends all loved you. Your employee's loved you. People in the church loved you. The community loved you. Professional sports teams held moments of silence in your honor for pete's sake! The newspapers ran articles... You changed people. You left a mark, a legacy.

So, here we are. Somethings, like my memories never change. Others do...
Mom got married. Marty is a good man who loves her. I think you'd have liked him.
Dan is a man. Really. He's tall like you. He loves Jesus. The scary thing is that you have been gone from his life just as long as you were in it...

Me. I miss you the most. But, I'm good. I'm like you. I hear it all the time. Well, maybe I'm a tad more responsible...
Really... I have a good job, and a nice home. I'm going back to school in July. Bachelor of Business Administration. (See, right up your alley!) I'm even paying for it all on my own. :-) I got a dog, and oh yes, I wear contacts now (again, sound familiar). I think I'm doing ok...

51. Today. I don't know if anyone besides me still counts, but I do. Even though God has sent me many blessings, I still love you like you were here. And I probably appreciate you even more now... I wish I had something to give you. I just hope there is some way you know that my heart is there. I know you took a piece of it with you when you left.

About that... When you see the man that God has for me, will you please watch over him. And when it's time for me to get married- will you send me a sign that you are there? That you support me. Dad, speak to that man, and give him that piece of my heart, so he can return it to me on that day. I know it seems silly, but if anyone could even understand what that would mean, it would be you...

I miss you. I love you. And today I remember the man you were.

No daughter could ever be more proud than me.

Happy Birthday.

posted by Elizabeth @ 11:54:00 PM