i found grace

d.e.r.a.i.l.e.d.

I will remember you, I will turn back and do the things I used to do. For the love of you.

It always seems to be the same thing; I'm like a train that can't ever seem to consistently do anything, except de-rail. It's a certainty in my life- for some it's just death and taxes, for me it's death, taxes and de-railment. Every time I get a good pace, it's like I can't fathom the good so I throw myself off the tracks. Do I really understand why? Of course not. But I do.

I want good things from this life. I want to get married, have lots of babies, own a home, and be part of something bigger than myself. I want to love unconditionally, and have the kind of presence that attracts all-kinds. I want to be wise, and be blessed, and be beautiful from the inside out. I want, I want, I want.

I'm learning my worth, and am reminded everyday that I am loved. These are truths that scare me and comfort me all at once. Like I have said so many times- My wholeness is only found amidst my brokenness. So, what I don't understand it how I fall away from these things. How last weekend, I rested in the joy of serving, and felt the spirit of peace. But this weekend, I am bound by the spirit of compromise, and I find myself lost among the conforming.

Every time- I am going along good... chugga, chugga, and then *BAM* I'm off the track, struggling to figure out what happened. As I pick up the pieces of who I know myself to be, I try to get going again. It usually takes awhile to build a steady pace- but then like the last time, I am stunned as I find myself in the struggle to try to gather myself up again.

There are so many triggers for me. He calls, and I suddenly I can't think about anything else or remember why I was so mad. She calls, and my heart breaks as I once again open my self and my home to pain and rebellion. He calls, and I loose my patience, and forget to listen. She calls, and I judge. Sometimes it's work- I accomplish so much, and then I slack off. Sometimes it's home- the person I love more than most can't do anything right, and I find myself turning ugly, and unbearable. I go out to the bars, and in desperation hope that men find me attractive- for all the WRONG reasons.

Who am I kidding. I hate facing the inevitable. Is there hope for me to change? I don't want to go off the track. I know that when I do, I get right back on, dust myself off, and keep rolling towards the goal I have set my eyes upon. BUT, I still keep falling off, and I hate it.

And everytime I am lying on the ground, bruised and ashamed from my fall, I see his mighty hand, to help me up. It's always there, I guess maybe I only take it when I am down.

I tell myself today- Perfect Love drives out fear. The same fear that keeps me falling. Away from the one I love. Thankfully, He always takes me back.

I will remember you. I will turn back and do the things I used to do.

For the Love of You.

posted by Elizabeth @ 9:10:00 AM