my heart
if you could love me as a wife
and for my wedding gift, your life
should that be all i’ll ever need
or is there more i’m looking for
and should i read between the lines
and look for blessings in disguise
to make me handsome, rich, and wise
is that really what you want
(chorus)
i am a whore i do confess
but i put you on just like a wedding dress
and i run down the aisle
i’m a prodigal with no way home
but i put you on just like a ring of gold
and i run down the aisle to you
so could you love this bastard child
though i don’t trust you to provide
with one hand in a pot of gold
and with the other in your side
i am so easily satisfied
by the call of lovers less wild
that i would take a little cash
over your very flesh and blood
(chorus)
because money cannot buy
a husband’s jealous eye
when you have knowingly deceived his wife You have to hear
this song...
Labels: honesty
Perfect Love....
It drives out fear.
Goodnight.
When the sun fades behind the hills, and the stretch of sky turns to grey, you are there. I see your face in the wind through the trees. Peace follows your path, as if it were a frangrance you put on each day. I know you. I feel you. And, I need you.
Please fill my mind with you as my body falls to slumber. Protect my head and my heart as my dreams begin to unfold, and I am captivated in another world.
I'm asking for signs and wonders. I am expecting a miracle.
Thanks.
Give Freedom a chance...
I'm trying. It's true.
I desire to surrender my will to the Fantastic.
I plan to be spontaneous in my actions of love.
I request a wisdom and grace that are not my own.
I would like to forget who I was, and even where I have been.
All is new. I have been lost in Him, and I pray that *I* never emerge again.
Father God, tap the potential you see in me. Move me beyond myself and my desires. Take my heart and make is pure. Be my first thought each morning, and my last each night. Fill my days with your joy and your peace. You are. That's more that I could ever need.
Thank you for showing up right where I wasn't looking. Thanks for being a God of surprise and awe and wonder.
For one moment in my life, I would give everything I am, everything I could dream to be to have one person look at me and only see you.
Please restore my fire. Show me your blueprints, and give me your dreams.
I think
we are ready.
truth.
Sometime I have a peace, like I know some marvelous secret. It fills my very soul with joy and I fell as though I may burst out and giggle for no reason. Some nights when I lay my head on the pillows before I fall asleep I realize my cheeks are actually sore from smiling. My dreams are filled with hope and revelation, and my soul is free. These are the days that I know Him, my prince who adores me. Who gives all to know me. Some girls dream of a knight in shining armour, I realize that I already have mine.
I am inspired to live dangerously, love recklessly and laugh excessively. My life is enchanted, and I am the princess in the land of splendor and freedom.
Praise Him for everything. He asks for no less.
Helpful Hints.
WARNING: The following is rather harsh. Read with caution.
I feel like I spend much of my time getting to know people- like REALLY know them. I like to understand what their gifts are, what kind of temperament they have, how they communicate, and how they view themselves. And, it usually works. Not to be arrogant in any way, but I am rarely wrong about people.
So- here is MY problem…
There are a few people out there who have yet to figure me out. And not like I am planning to bear my soul, and introduce others to the intricate details of my being- I just want to ‘enlighten’ some folks on how to ‘get’ me. And in essence, not piss me off…
1.I am an intelligent woman. Talk to me as such. I may be quirky and somewhat naïve to some sexual exploits- but I’m a smart cookie. And 9 times out of 10, I’ll figure it out on my own. Don’t talk down to me. You may have knowledge in other areas than me- but I guarantee you are not smarter.
2.I get tired sometimes. My days can be long, and my brain gets fried. My job is great most days, but noting is perfect. I get overwhelmed. I feel less than. Other rub their successes in my face. I use my brain all day long. When I get home, I don’t want to talk. I want to relax, and re-focus. And I don’t want to hear you speak.
3.I do more than most in one day’s time. Give me some credit. I have my career. I go to school full time. I take care of my dog. I keep up an immaculate house- inside and out (mostly). I maintain a large group of friends. I read my bible. I talk to God. And, I try really hard to be a good friend. AND, I pretend like it’s not a big deal. But it is, and sometimes I need help. Instead of telling me where I fall short, help me celebrate what I accomplish. I’m hard enough on myself.
4.I understand what hard times are. I’ve been there. You don’t need details- you just need to realize that although I am young in years, I am old in life experience. I would never tell you that my life has been harder than yours, so don’t tell me that yours has been harder than mine. Different is the appropriate word. There is no way to equalize life experience. Celebrate my joys, and hold my hand in the sorrow, just don’t belittle my reality.
5.I am strong. I’d rather suffer in silence than allow someone to see me be weak. I know how to hold my head up, and hold back the tears. I know how to be the mature one in a situation. I’m not perfect, but I believe I can handle quite a bit. God gave my broad shoulders in more ways than one. I carry a lot. Don’t argue.
6.I talk through my feelings. I am excellent at verbalizing my emotions, and responses. If I am talking about something deep- don’t try to fix the problem. Don’t tell me about your personal experiences. Just listen. I have yet to meet someone who can do this. Your words are only that. Words. So refrain from saying more than: I’ll pray for you; that really sucks; I love you, or I’m sorry. I don’t need anything else. I don’t want anything else.
7.I know how to apologize. I can see my faults. When you tell me I have hurt you, my genuine response will be that I see it, and I am sorry. When I tell you that you have hurt me, please do the same. Don’t make excuses, or tell me you are working on it. Say: I AM SORRY. It’s not hard, but it mends my heart faster than you could ever imagine. Own it. You are not perfect. Get over it.
8.I’m real. What you see is what you get. The only thing I pretend to be is tough. My friendship is real. My love is real. My hurt is real. Please be real. If you are not, I will loose interest and respect. Although if you can’t be honest, you probably don’t care.
9.I won’t lie to you. Ask me anything. I’ll tell you. But, if you don’t want to know, don’t ask. Again, this goes both ways. If I ask your opinion it is because I care what you think. If I don’t ask, don’t give it. Simple, huh.
10.I like to have attention. But, I can be okay without it too. What gets really frustrating to me is other peoples need to be important all the time. I see it as a sign of insecurity, you need to be accepted. But, who are you trying to impress? God is the only one worthy of that, and trust me, when you gossip, or breach confidence, or slander others to make yourself look better, I am pretty sure he’s not impressed. Get your priorities in line.
11.I have great expectations. For all that I am I believe in the possibility of great and marvelous things. So you don’t. You think my hopes and dreams and everything that defines my core is a bunch of hooey. Oh well. Do you tell a 3 year old there is no Santa? No. Why? Because no decent person wants to be responsible for crushing a belief. So leave my dream alone. If they don’t come true, I’m the one who will be disappointed, not you. Who’s it hurting? Let me believe.
12.Don’t complain. It’s the ugliest thing you can do. All you do is pull others down. If you don’t like your job, get a new one. If you don’t like your friends, get new ones. If you think you are fat, go to the gym and quit eating crap. If you don’t like your boyfriend, break up with him. Honestly, if you want to actually make changes, I will be with you every step of the way. But, if you complain I will tune you out. Really.
13.When I am done, I am done. I shut down. It’s what I do. If you compete with me, or talk over me, or interrupt me, I will stop talking. I will disengage. And then our conversation will be over. End of story.
14.It’s almost always obvious how I am feeling. Pay a little attention. Ok.
15. I am a perfectionist. Failure is my biggest fear. Be mindful of this when you criticize. Though I may act tough as nails, sometimes I cry myself to sleep. Human, yeah, that's what they call it...
Nothing written is intended to elevate ME in any way. I fall short. I GET THAT. You want to get me, these are just some clues. If you read this and think that nothing is about you, you are probably wrong. Right or wrong, this is how I feel. Think what you want- I don’t really care.
the state of the union- I mean me.
I am under attack.
It's not my war to wage.
PLEASE fight for me, God. Please. I have NO strength to battle.
This child is alone, calling out in desperation for a savior. Save me from myself.
For real.
My heart hurts. I feel empty.
He’s not listening to me. And, now I am tired. I feel like I have been waiting, and hoping, and dreaming about a life abundant, but I am here now, alone, and seeing the world with open eyes.
I’m angry. I hate the state of my family. I’m so tired of being left out. There are high demands and expectations for my life, ones I’ll never meet. I miss my dad.
I’m so tired of gossip. People act self-righteous all the time, and not one of them can be real with who they are.
I’m tired of having nightmares. I want to get some sleep. I want to dream about fairies and lollipops, and sunsets over the beach. I want to be free in my own head. I want to think about nice things, not everything that is wrong with me.
I know intense pain. I close my eyes and I feel hands that violate my body. I hear lies about what I am and what I have caused. I scream out loud in my sleep, possibly the only escape for my grief, and outpouring of my fears.
For one day, I want to be heard. I want to speak and have someone listen. Not offer advise, or tell me about how their situation is worse. I don’t want to hear what is wrong with me. Not anymore. I don’t understand why so many people feel the freedom to speak about my faults, whether in teasing, or reality.
There is a part of me that FEELS. Imagine that. I’m a great pretender. I know how to wear the happy face. I know how to join the crowd, and have mastered poking fun at myself. It usually merits a laugh, or two.
Sometimes I’m not nice. And I don’t care. I don’t want to hear about how much you hate your job everyday. I don’t want to hear about how much your father loves you. It makes me sad, and I get jealous.
Right now I am reminded of how much I don’t like me. I’m OCD. I’m a perfectionist. I can’t let go of my hurts. I’m too hard on myself. I’m a dork. I’m a smart-ass. I have an answer for everything. I’m bulimic. I’m intense. I’m a control freak.
I’m out of control.
I want to start over. A new life. Where I can be who I want to be, and not who I am. Where I am free. Without judgement. Without scrutiny.
I scare myself. This is me- short neck, wide feet, fat body, and all. So what if I have ‘nice’ eyes. When they look inside, all they see is ugly. My spirit, my heart, me.
Leave me alone for awhile. Don’t try to fix me. I’m broken, and I am fully aware. Just let me be broken for now.
I SHOULD be praising God right now. I SHOULD be thankful for what I have. I SHOULD, I SHOULD, I SHOULD.
Well, I don’t WANT to.
anthem
I heard this song this morning, and my heart shifted. I feel the spirit moving in my soul, and I am anticipating a great revelation. My father in heaven has great things for me, and I am ready to be blessed.
And, tonight as I drive to Vacaville to be with HIM this song will be my anthem...
Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth Would care to know my name Would care to feel my hurt Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star Would choose to light the way For my ever wandering heart Not because of who I am But because of what You've done Not because of what I've done But because of who You are I am a flower quickly fading Here today and gone tomorrow A wave tossed in the ocean A vapor in the wind Still You hear me when I'm calling Lord, You catch me when I'm falling And You've told me who I am I am Yours Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin Would look on me with love and watch me rise againWho am I, that the voice that calmed the sea Would call out through the rain And calm the storm in me Not because of who I am But because of what You've done Not because of what I've done But because of who You are I am a flower quickly fading Here today and gone tomorrow A wave tossed in the ocean A vapor in the wind Still You hear me when I'm calling Lord, You catch me when I'm falling And You've told me who I am I am Yours, I am Yours I am Yours Whom shall I fear Whom shall I fear 'Cause I am Yours I am YoursCasting Crowns : Who am I
plumb.
You live inside a dream. Everything tastes so sweet. As long as it agrees with how you feel. You're dancing in your sleep. 'Til all the eyes that look at me awaken your anxieties. You're so afraid, so you try to break me. I don't want to care. And I don't want to hate. And I don't want to see you fall too far away. All because of fear. 'Cause when you're afraid you lash out at me. When you say all the things that you never meant to say. And try to break me.
But in the end, what leaves you broken, in the end, makes you better.Your face looks so green. When the sun is shining differently and you're standing in the shade. 'Cause face to face you're sweet. Like candy sticking to my teeth. But underneath so damaging.
But in the end, what leaves you broken, in the end, makes you better.I don't want to hate.
I don't want to be broken.
I don't want to hate you.
I don't want to hate.
I don't want to be broken.
I don't want to hate you.
I don't want to care.
And I don't want to hate.
You say all the things that you never meant to say. And try to break me.
But in the end, what leaves you broken, in the end, makes you better.
I don't like you
I think I've known it for quite awhile, I was just scared to admit it to myself. You continually bring me hurt and pain, and I can't cope with it anymore.
In your eyes I will never be enough.
I'm a reminder of what you don't have, and what you want.
I'm stronger than you.
It hurts you when I am successful.
You're fantastic at putting on a show for everyone else,
I just want you to be real.
I refuse to inherit your anger.
I refuse to be resentful, bitter, or afraid.
This is NOT what the Father has for me. I pray that he continues to give me strength, and shows me daily how to love you regardless, how to have mercy, and grace, and compassion.
Even when I feel like you hate me, I will love you. I just won't like you.
today i look back
I am reminded of our last 'family' outing. We gathered blankets and the cooler, and headed to Folsom to watch the fireworks after the rodeo. I'm sure that I was embarrassed and humiliated by my parents, something I would take back a million times if I could.
I remember laying on the grass, watching the sky. You could trace along the edge of the rockets, and predict when they might explode. Something so small, became something so big. Everyone watching would ooh and aah, and we were all captivated by the show of dramatic colors and beautifully designed patterns.
That night my sleep was interrupted by a life-like dream. I didn't know what had happened, but I woke up with the physical heart-wrenching pain of knowing my dad had died. I've managed to let the actual dream details get blurred over the years, but I remember that feeling as if it were yesterday. I cried for a long time in my bed, and I remember praying for God to take my nightmares away...
The next day I couldn't shake the dream feeling. It was like I had shot a gun, and no matter how much I tried, I couldn't get wash the residue away. Later that night I talked with my mom about my dream. I cried as I tried to tell her how much my heart had hurt, and how worried I was that something would happen to my dad. She encouraged me to talk to him, so I did.
Dad promised me that he was fine. He said "I promise, I am not going to die tomorrow." I didn't buy it. He proceeded to fish out his insurance papers, attempting to appease me by proving regardless, my family would be okay. He talked about loosing his own father at a young age, and then after a long and thoughtful pause, he told me "Beth, someday I won't be here. When that happens, DON'T TURN YOUR BACK ON GOD"..... (emphasis my own). That night I slept peacefully. It was the last time that would happen for many years.
Thursday, July 6, 1995- started like most other days. I got up, and my dad had breakfast on the table. We exchanged some words, and he left, telling me to be ready for practice early, as we were going to go over some drills before the other girls got there. I went to summer school with my friend Jenny, and then rushed home to eat ice cream and watch soap operas. Why we do what we do in Junior High, I'll never know. Around 4:30 that afternoon I began to put on my soccer gear. Dad got home, we loaded up, and went to practice. Only a few hours later my dad collapsed on the field. I told him to get up or I would kick him. He didn't move. I held his hand and watched as his eyes sent signs of panic. He made the most horrid noise I have ever heard. I didn't know what to do. When his eyes closed, I got up and ran. I fell nearby, where the dirt and tears made mud on my hands and face.
I, being me, composed myself somewhat and grabbed my dads cell phone out of the car. Someone else was calling 911, so I called the family I was supposed to baby-sit for that night and said I thought my dad had a heart attack (where did I get that from??) and I wouldn't make it. I gave them a number of a friend. Then I called my mom. And my aunt. And nobody could be reached. When I think back now, this was the defining moment when I first felt alone. My attention immediately turned to my brother. Mom had dropped him off earlier on her way to a meeting. He had been playing on the swings, but was now hiding behind the bleachers. He was watching, and I knew he was afraid. And here began my compulsive need to protect him...
The rest of that evening is a blur. I told people that my grandfather had died at 40 of a heart attack, and that I was sure my own dad was having a heart attack at 40 too. My team trainer and the EMS worker asked me to go with my dad in the ambulance, but I said no. I stayed with Danny. At some point my aunt came in my mom's car to pick us up, and we went straight to the hospital. I remember being taken to a small white room where Danny and I waited with Aunt Theresa and Uncle Bob. We prayed. And then Mom came in, with a few friends behind her and the only words she said were "He's gone". I managed to escape with no one noticing, as Danny began to wail, and everyone else was holding each other.
I walked straight to my dads room. Call it a sixth sense, I knew right where to find him. I stood there for a long time. Silent. Unbelieving. How could the man who lay there be my dad. He looked just like him, but I knew it wasn't HIM. I got myself in trouble with a nurse for cutting off some of his hair... When I was escorted out, I walked into a waiting room full of my friends. All I wanted was to be alone. I left, and hid in the bathroom, until they told us we could leave. I just wanted to be alone. Alone in my practice jersey, my cleats still on, the muddy face with tear stained eyes was all I had left. The feeling from my dream was back. And every part of my body, especially my heart, was in excruciating pain.
Driving home, the only thought in my mind was- Dad, you PROMISED not today.
Today, the fireworks are everywhere. And, just the smell of them gives me a pain in the pit of my stomach. A pain of knowing that I knew, that I couldn't save him, the pain that he's gone. And today, I miss him, I miss what my family USED to be. And, I am deeply sad.
and the paradigm shifts...
I thought I had it all figured out. And then God spoke to my heart:
Beloved, do you not remember my words? Have you forgotten that I have a plan? You have stepped aside from the path I have made for you. You have never walked alone. You seek comfort in the hands of men, and you forget that I loved you first. Take hold of MY hands, and let ME see your heart. You were created in my image, beautiful among queens. You are my princess, and it is YOU that I died to save. Come away with me, to a place that I can fill your heart, and soul, and mind. Depend on me for strength. All that you need, I am.Father, make me steadfast and true. Take away my guilt and shame, and make me free in you... Thank you for NEVER letting me go...
I think she likes him...
This stuff isn't easy for me. At all. But I am learning. And, rather enjoying the process...
'Tho I can't figure out why, he seems to really like me. He appears charmed by my quirky nature, and he doesn't mind that I talk too much, that I have rediculous boundaries, or even that I laugh when he's trying to be sweet.
I know it's new, and I feel like the odds are strongly against this working, but right now it makes me smile. He makes me smile. Because he holds my hand, and kisses my forehead, and because this kind of thing doesn't happen to me.
Maybe it's all a dream, and I might wake up soon... In the meantime, let me sleep. Let me pretend like there is no end. Let me imagine what it's like to trust, and allow my heart to be seen...
I need this.
today is a new day...
I feel like I get lost easily. I'm the little kid that wanders off the path, and causes everyone around to panic. The funny thing is, that kid knows where they were the whole time...
I like to think that I know what I am doing. That I make good choices overall. So, although sometimes I am a bit uncoventional, and to others I may appear lame, or over-the-top, I know where I am.
I don't typically surprise myself.
And, then sometimes I do.
