i found grace

I have made an executive decision. I am renovating my life. Really. I am waiting until Christmas, and then I am quitting my second job. I thought I needed the money to pay bills and such, but I am choosing to instead live out my faith, and trust God to provide. And although the discount is great, I just don't see how working myself ragged is part of God's plan for my life. I mean, how can I bring Him glory, when all I do is sleep... I suppose there is more to it- maybe that I am completely materialistic, and this job only feeds my drive to have 'more'. I always want more. I need to be content with what is currently on my plate. My mom said to me yesterday" hasn't it been like 2 weeks since you did laundry?" I said yes. She then asked me to explain how my closet was still too full of clothes. And I think to myself- there are starving children all over the world. How selfish am I? Very. Now, looking beyond my pettiness and extreme insecurity, that coincidently masks itself as me spending top dollar for a name brand tag, that nobody even sees anyways... I'm rambling. Ok, so looking beyond my flaws- I am making strides to better myself. I am going back to college. Maybe I am inspired by friends of mine who are making real changes in their lives, maybe it's my heart and my brain finally in sync, or maybe... nope. Regardless of the reason, I am quitting the Gap to go to school. The truth is I want to be a REAL teacher. I want to plan all the lessons, and have the children bring ME apples. And I want the respect. I'm just a second rate throw around at my job now. JUST an AIDE they say. Well, I am tired of it. God has planted a desire for children in my heart. I love them. And oddly enough, they love me. It's MY MISSION. I'm not supposed to be overseas. I'm supposed to be here, being Jesus to these kids, who have no other hope. For the first time in a long time, I feel real peace in my heart. And, I am excited. For so long I have felt like a failure. Because I am 20 years old, a college drop-out, and I still live at home. Where is the shame in that? I ought to count myself as lucky to be blessed with a steady job, where I DO make a difference. I have a family who loves me. And a God who accepts me just the way I am, broken. But I know he will mend me.... I guess that is all I have to say tonight.

posted by Elizabeth @ 8:16:00 PM