I gave my two weeks notice at the Gap. I know that I promised myself I would wait until after Christmas. If that makes me a liar, I don't care. It was a difficult decision, but I have such peace that I made the right choice.
I also saw my college counsellor this week. I left her office on cloud nine. I found out that I will get my teaching credential in the fall of 2006. I can't believe it! I am so excited...
God is good, and regardless of my attitude, he contines to be faithful to me. I am learning what it means to have a Heavenly Father. It is really amazing to me that he does grant us the desires of our hearts. I have kept this upspoken dream for many years, and the Lord is bringing that little dream to reality. He is connecting the corners of my life. He is smoothing over the edges. I know that with each day I give back to Him, I become more and more like him. That, by the way, is a joy that I never could have obtained with anything on earth....
Wow! A new blog design. Thanks to my genius friend Sarah, I have inherited this great new layout. I am so excited! I still want to add a few more things, but we shall see...
I got my first job when I was 15. I worked in a little café serving yogurt and making coffee. I enjoyed it a first. But, I got bored, and my boss was nuts, having me work 35+ hours a week while in high school. I ended up quitting after only 3 months. Rather, my mom quit for me. Then, after I got my drivers license, I got a new job. I worked for E&B Company. We manufactured leather cases for laptop and palmtop computers. I worked with my pastor’s daughter, who became a very close friend. I was the backroom manager, which basically meant that I processed shipments, kept track of stock, and filled orders. I remember blaring the music and dancing in the back. We would sing at the top of our lungs. We’d hang out together after work, and pray together when life got tough. It was just us girls- 4 of us, like a family.
But, as my junior year of high school came to an end, I embarked on a new adventure. I packed up all my stuff and moved to Europe. Well, kind of. I went and lived with a family in Switzerland. I was an exchange student, trying to put into practice the 4 years of French I had taken in school. While there, I went to school, and traveled all over France. I got to see Italy and Germany. It was wonderful. I returned home just in time to begin my senior year. I was a changed girl. I wanted ‘more’. So around Christmas time, I quit E&B Co. It was sad, and we all cried. But I moved on, to Lucky’s. Well, now it is Albertson’s, but a grocery store none the less. I worked there for quite a while. I loved it in the winter, the rain everywhere, clothing totally soaked. But when the summer came, I couldn’t stand it anymore. I was making good money for a high school kid, but I wanted to be an adult. I wanted a real job. So I got one. A friend put in some awesome words for me, and I was handed the job of a lifetime.
At 18 years old, freshly graduated from high school, I became a Branch Office Administrator for Edward D. Jones and Co. Wow. I was in the world of stocks and bonds, and trading. I worked everyday with an Investment Representative, and I had my own business card. There was so much to learn, and I know now that I was in way over my head. Eventually the lure of ‘college life’ got to me. My friends were out having fun, while I was stuck working overtime at the office. I’d show up after work, in my 3-piece suit, and not only look, but also feel totally out of place. I was making a massive amount of money, but lacked the maturity to save it. I was taking college classes, but at night, with old, boring people. I barely made it through the semester. So, when my boss refused to give me time off the day before my surrogate sisters wedding, I’d had enough. I quit then and there. I was tired of being controlled by a man with very little morale, and even less integrity. Not to reflect badly on Edward Jones, I still do my investing with them, just a different broker. I had very little time to find a new job.
I settled with a soon-to-be-open Black Angus Steakhouse. I started as a server, which apparently is very rare. I went through weeks of training, a grand opening, and several after work parties. I was shown respect, and I made decent tips. I made new friends, and began to feel comfortable with my surroundings. I went back to school the next semester with 18 units (during the day) and felt like a real college student. Whatever that is… Soon enough, I began to regret my decision. I was making considerably less money. I was happy, but making less money. So I got a second job. Pier 1 Imports. Oh, so fun! I was hired before it was opened, and I loved it. I was always getting new ideas on how to decorate. My mom loved it… I found something I was good at. Helping people. Selling. Decorating. And had I had enough time to develop my skills, I may have chosen to become an interior designer. But that didn’t happen. One afternoon while driving to pick up my mom, I was rear-ended. My life took a sudden turn into a tailspin. I was not prepared financially for that. And I seriously injured my body.
I had to quit everything. I began to get depressed. I was taking Vicodin for my pain, but nothing was helping. I eventually developed Mono, which wasn’t properly diagnosed until my second Emergency room visit. It took months to recover. Finally, the next Thanksgiving, I began to feel able to start working again. I signed up with a temp agency, which placed me with Verizon Wireless. I met some great people, who I still stay in contact with. It wasn’t long before my back was too aggravated to continue working. I got so fed up with my situation I finally hired a lawyer. And I began to pray about where I should work next. I had a few side jobs here and there. Being a nanny for a young single doctor, well for his 4 year old son… Stuff like that. I finally decided to apply with the school district. It took months for all the paperwork to go through, for me to get a badge, and my first assignment as a sub. Lucky for me, the second job they sent me to was at Gold River. And they begged me to stay. I did. I was content there. And then the whole day-after-you-get-home-from-Costa-Rica-you-no-longer-have-a-job thing happened. That is why I initially applied for the Gap.
I had a friend there, who was sure she could get me in, should the district not come through with a new placement. But, they did, and I started at my current location. In the meantime, I have been battling alongside my attorney over this stupid case. The lady’s insurance will not cover all my needs. So I begin to freak. I am going to be stuck with thousands of dollars of medical bills for something that isn’t even my fault. Imagine my surprise when Gap calls to offer me a job. I’d forgotten I had even applied what with the new job and all. But, with that debt hanging over my head, I accepted. And here I am today, finally, for the first time ever, actually writing all of this out. I’ve been so confused as to what direction to take my life.
I’ve been waiting for God to bring me a man who I can marry. I had imagined it would solve all my problems. I had imagined it would have happened by now. After all, I’ve always wanted to be a wife and a mom for my career. Today, I am done waiting. I’ve realized that I do have passions, and that they are God inspired. The Lord put kids on my heart for a reason. Maybe I will never have my own, but I have an opportunity much bigger that that staring me in the face. I can teach them. I can influence their lives; inspire them to become men and women of virtues, integrity, and compassion. I am going to create my own path. Knock on my own doors. I’m going to trust that God has already unlocked the right one. The peace I feel is undeniable. It is from Christ. Although I have searched far and wide for a golden scroll with God’s plans for my life scribbled upon it, I know now that I no longer want it. He knows what will happen, and that is good enough for me.
I have made an executive decision. I am renovating my life. Really. I am waiting until Christmas, and then I am quitting my second job. I thought I needed the money to pay bills and such, but I am choosing to instead live out my faith, and trust God to provide. And although the discount is great, I just don't see how working myself ragged is part of God's plan for my life. I mean, how can I bring Him glory, when all I do is sleep... I suppose there is more to it- maybe that I am completely materialistic, and this job only feeds my drive to have 'more'. I always want more. I need to be content with what is currently on my plate. My mom said to me yesterday" hasn't it been like 2 weeks since you did laundry?" I said yes. She then asked me to explain how my closet was still
too full of clothes. And I think to myself- there are starving children all over the world. How selfish am I? Very. Now, looking beyond my pettiness and extreme insecurity, that coincidently masks itself as me spending top dollar for a name brand tag, that nobody even sees anyways... I'm rambling. Ok, so looking beyond my flaws- I am making strides to better myself. I am going back to college. Maybe I am inspired by friends of mine who are making real changes in their lives, maybe it's my heart and my brain finally in sync, or maybe... nope. Regardless of the reason, I am quitting the Gap to go to school. The truth is I want to be a REAL teacher. I want to plan all the lessons, and have the children bring ME apples. And I want the respect. I'm just a second rate throw around at my job now. JUST an AIDE they say. Well, I am tired of it. God has planted a desire for children in my heart. I love them. And oddly enough, they love me. It's MY MISSION. I'm not supposed to be overseas. I'm supposed to be here, being Jesus to these kids, who have no other hope. For the first time in a long time, I feel real peace in my heart. And, I am excited. For so long I have felt like a failure. Because I am 20 years old, a college drop-out, and I still live at home. Where is the shame in that? I ought to count myself as lucky to be blessed with a steady job, where I DO make a difference. I have a family who loves me. And a God who accepts me just the way I am, broken. But I know he will mend me.... I guess that is all I have to say tonight.
When people I love hurt, I hurt too. I love you guys, and you will make it through. Remember that God is in charge, and He'll take care of all the details. In the meantime, I'm here...
Okay- funny story from last night. Not so funny last night, but today, slightly humorous... Imagine you are somewhere in Northern California. Your shift at the Gap has been cancelled. You have no plans. So you decide to throw on the old sweats and talk a walk. While lacing your shoes, your ever-so-sweet dog comes and lays at your feet. She lifts her head and stares lovingly at you with her chocolate brown eyes. It is as if she knows what is going on, and she wants to come also. Alright, you say, and you grab her leash. Now, thinking intelligently, one knows that it is impossible to 'walk' with your dog. Dogs like to run. And, come to think of it, so do you. Atleast you used to. So, off you go, running down the street at 6:15, just about dusk. The sky is beautiful, and the cool air on your face reminds you that it is FINALLY fall. You cautiously prepare to cross over to the last leg of the run. You begin to travel down perhaps the busiest street in your hometown around 7:00. It is packed with cars and trucks, and vehicles of all sorts. You have a sneaking feeling that people are watching. I mean, wouldn't you look at the crazy girl running with her dog during rush hour... Anyways, imagine this very silly girl, as her dog begins to freak out just a bit. She takes a dive onto the pavement, face first. Luckily the driver sees the girl, and the brakes are working fine on the massive diesel truck. Her life is spared. As I am sure you have guessed, it was my life that was spared. And the strange thing was, nobody stopped to see if I was alright, they just kept on driving. I got up quickly, assessed the damage to my clothes and newly exposed skin. Just a little road rash. I stumbled the rest of the way home. Today, I am left with a very swollen and bruised knee, some minor scrapes, and a bit of rug burn (from my sweatpants). But, hey I am alive... And still a bit perplexed...
"Faith is not the clinging to a shrine but an endless pilgrimage of the heart. Audacious longing, burning songs, daring thoughts, an impulse overwhelming the heart, usurping the mind - these are all a drive towards serving Him who rings our hearts like a bell. It is as if He were waiting to enter our empty, perishing lives."
- Abraham Heschel
It is already the middle of October. In the blink of an eye, it will be November. Soon I will be taking the trip up to Apple Hill to buy a few boxes of apples. I'll get out the huge black stock pot my mom has used for years. I'll make apple pies, apple sauce and apple butter. The thoughts alone bring back so many memories. I can almost smell the sweet aroma of hot slices of apples with sugar and cinnamon dripping off of them. I remember how my mother and her best friend used to bake and can together every year. They would load all 5 kids into the van, and we would spend all day at Apple Hill. We'd sample cider, and beg for fresh carmel apples. I can still remeber the tingling of the crisp, cool air on my face. Once we arrived back at our house, all the kids would disburse. Except for me. I loved to sit at the table and watch. If I was lucky, I was allowed to help. I was after all, the oldest child there....
It has been many years since our families spent that time together. So much has changed. We no longer spend every Thanksgiving together- at their home in Santa Rosa. Shortly after my father died, they moved to Colorado. Not long after that, their oldest daughter- my brothers best friend, and first kiss, died from an undetected illness. It broke our hearts, but her family found comfort in knowing that Melissa was home, with her heavenly father, and 'other' dad. We have since been to visit many times. My mom actually tried to get US to move there too. But we are still here. And each fall I think of them, my other family. I miss our times together. I miss Mike and my dad making fun of Kati's annual Thanksgiving Jello dish- which they affectionately called 'rug foam'.
What I wouldn't give for a taste of it this year. This year. This year will be strange. I am traveling to Apple Hill alone. I will be baking alone. I will be canning homemade apple sauce alone. And I will remember the past. I will be sad that it's over, but thankful for the memories.
"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh
in the morning." (Psalm 30:5) Simply-stated, tears always give way to
smiles, but even sorrow must run its course.
Regardless of the fact that I am only 20, I have a lot of ‘life experience’. I don’t claim to be wise, to have all the answers, or anything like that. I learn everything the hard way. Hopefully my kids won’t be like me. Provided I ever have them, this is what I would want then to know…
Life is not fair. Don’t expect it to be, and you will never be disappointed.
Not everyone will like you. That is okay.
The past cannot be changed. Get over it and move on.
Grace is sufficient. Anything more makes us arrogant.
Tomorrow may never come- for you or someone that you love. Make today count.The only attitude you can control is your own. You must remain positive and keep a heavenly perspective.
You are not perfect. No person is. Find something special in everyone, and strive to love him or her unconditionally.The golden rule should be platinum.
We can’t choose the family we were born into, but we can choose our friends- and they can mean more than anything.
You are not what you wear, what you drive, who you date, or are friends with. You am a child of God. And you are loved.
Whether you feel it or not, Christ is truth. Simple as that.
People and things can bring brief happiness, but only Jesus can mend a shattered heart and complete your very being.
You are not your own. You were paid for with the highest price.Popularity is overrated, and patience is a virtue.
You can only operate out of fear for so long. Eventually, you need to start walking in faith.
Asking for help does not make you weak, it makes you human.
Laugh when it is time to laugh. Cry when it is time to cry. Dance when it is time to dance. Let your heart be the judge.Happiness is relative.
I haven't felt much like writing lately. I haven't felt like talking. I have just spent time alone- which for me can be self-destructive. I get depressed. And I can't get out of it. So here I am, tired and alone. I have been crying for hours. I have to work all day tomorrow (the end of my 64 hour work week) and I am dreading being in public all day. This is my heart on paper. Or the internet. I am broken. I am on my knees. I am awaiting grace...
